Making It Out

My dad made it out and he made sure that I would be able to make a life for myself without the help of anyone but myself. The discussion we had as a class on black bodies in sports, specifically black boys, was one of the more influential discussions I’ve participated in. The significance of sports in the black community as a means of overcoming struggles and adversity has become the standard for black children who are facing hardship. The social structure built around that belief has caused an influx of black children to be drawn away from other means of escaping their circumstances, with the fear and belief that other avenues weren’t built for them and they won’t succeed there. Education is the route that is so overlooked because access and quality were never seen as pillars in predominantly black communities. The same can be said about small village communities in Africa where my father was raised. Instead of sports being the means out of poverty in Africa there was farm work as well as generational labor. Being that this is not what my father wanted for himself and his family he made sure that he got an education and a high level one at that. Education is the one thing that no one can take away from you, he used to say that all throughout my childhood. The goal of professional sports as a career has become so normalized despite the scarcity of spots to fill while education has become something that others are ridiculed for entertaining. When I read more about the origin of the abuse of young black bodies for entertainment I can’t help but feel that the goal was to turn them against education to keep them in lower positions of social status. When I was younger it was almost like he never wanted me to fall in love with sports as I played them in fear that I would repeat the cycle and focus more on them than on education. As I’m sitting in class though i’ve realized it’s taking me as much resolve as a student to graduate as an athlete trying to go pro. That resolve wouldn’t have been where it needed to be had I not seen education as a keystone to improving your circumstances.

Music and Sound

For the past several years, music has been an integral part of my daily life. Whether it be walking around the school campus, attempting to do my schoolwork, or even just idling in my room listening to music, it’s very rare for me to not have something to listen to. In fact, I’m actually listening to music right now as I write this. Besides the ways that music is woven into my daily life, it is also a huge part of my background. I grew up learning how to play the piano, joined the school choir in elementary and middle school, and later joined band and the marching band for the entirety of high school. I’ve always been fascinated by the ways people create and compose music, especially instrumental music. Game soundtracks fall under my interest in instrumental music, with one of my favorite songs of all time, My Castle Town by Toby Fox, being extremely high on my spotify wrapped for the past 3 years (plus me being in his top .005% listeners for 3 years straight). Music also helps keeps my brain ticking whenever I do work since it helps take the “edge” off my procrastination sometimes. Writing on the Wall by Will Stetson in 2023 was my most played spotify song because I had a deadline due and I listened to that song for around 5 hours straight in order to actually focus on my work.

A soundtrack to growth ( And a bit of hope for the future)

As I write this last post for this class, I am both sad and excited for what the future may hold. I am not sure I will ever get to be so vulnerable again on an open  platform like this. It may not mean as much to you all, but I cherish these posts, and I am very excited about the people we are all  growing to be. These last 2 weeks of class stirred many thoughts in me, I hope you find them useful. 

.It is no secret why the many industrial complexes exist; some saw money in places where change should be.They saw the capability in our bodies and knew only one thing, to create a world where it can produce, and convinced us that is what we wanted. Our limbs became a commodity.  All those caught in the cycle are compelled by living, to live today is to need money, and all other opportunities dim in comparison. We are all desperate to survive, there is no focus on what could be different, only what is. Things seem almost impossible to change. And yet,they will.  Our knowing and learning, critiquing and scholarship, or continued efforts to know is the result of that change. Our experience here in higher education is evident of that change. This will change, if we have the continued heart for it, the continuation of efforts from people before us, people with us now, and people we will pass it to in the future.  

The close of any worthwhile venture has always been the hardest part of anything. This is why cliffhangers irritate the soul, bad endings ruin great shows, and poorly written conclusions ruin great essays. In short, I hate endings, I can never finish them, but I will try to sum up things here the best I can.  The process of becoming can be likened to a symphony; Your body sets the tone for growth.  Each time you have found something worthwhile, another instrument begins to play, growing louder the more you feel you know. As you shift, so does your sound, your body moving to different rhythms: pacing you, pulling you, stopping you.  You make sense of the noise of the world as it comes to make up the parts of you. That is why we find music so valuable, it puts into action our humanity; it is us, laid out for everyone to see, and a great musician or song can unite even the most polarized of people. The feeling of finding a song that moves us to cry, to jump, to stretch our hands in the air, to be content; that is resistance in its best form to all that tries to encompass us.   This experience of being here, writing these posts, reading your thoughts, sitting in class has added to my way of knowing myself, I feel I can see things clearer for what they are. I suppose what I’m hoping to say in all of this is thank you (I have learned something), thank you (I have grown somewhere), thank you (for your time reading this post), thank you (for helping me see myself more clearly).

My Fused Violin, My Musical Body

Music has always been my way of expression, whether it be through an instrument, a song I sing, or even a dance. Music became a part of my body. Music has always been there for me when I needed to be creative, when I needed to think. As I’m writing this I’m listening to music. Since elementary school I have been enveloped in the love of music. I started to learn how to play violin. My teacher was such a passionate person when it came to teaching music. I think that’s why I began to fall in love more with my music. She always motivated us to keep supporting music and to never let it fade from our hearts. My mom loved hearing me play, she was also in love with music. Her hearing me practice made her joyful that her daughter was carrying on the musical tradition. She was in chorus when she lived in her village and she always came back with awards and trophies because of how beautiful her voice is. My mom’s voice is amazing, she always brings me comfort when she sings to me, I think that also fueled my passion for music. Throughout elementary school, to middle school where I became first chair in my orchestra class, to high-school, the violin was my best friend, my safe space.

When I played my violin, it blurred out all the noise, the voices, the creaking sounds of that music room. I felt my hands connect with my bow, my chinrest melt into the violin. The bow grazing against the string and my fingers pressed on the fingerboard of the violin, creating such beautiful music. I never really told anyone about how connected I am about my violin until this class. I wouldn’t let anyone touch it unless it was the Lashof violin manager repairing my bridge and my strings. When I was sad, I could play my heart out with such balance and heavy energy. When I was happy I would be so quick with my bowing hand and my finger placement. I had the ability to hear a song and mimic it on my violin after two minutes of hearing the song. I would catch every vibrato, every rest, every pitch change. Music was in me, music became me.

When we spoke about music embodiment, the first thing I could think of was my connection to my instruments that I have learned to play over the years. Violin, guitar, bass, cello, and etc. I feel like my parents gave me that musical gene. My dad played trumpet and trombone when he was younger, my mom was so good with her vocal skills, and because of them I became the connection to them for music to live on. I miss playing sometimes since I have not much time to play or take a course in music. But I still play my violin when I am home on break. I still play for myself, my parents here and there. I played for my grandma who also played when she was younger, and she passed, but that’s how I connect to her.

Music is so freeing. I can’t explain how much music saved my life. It saved my body. Music has the power to do so much to a person. Music can move people, it can cause so many different emotions. It can bring different people together. It can help you think. It can help you breathe. It can help you remember your loved ones who aren’t there anymore. It can even create so many memories. Even those who are unable to hear, are able to find music vibrations so powerful. I love music, with all my heart I do. I don’t know where I would be without it in my life. I probably wouldn’t have been able to write this blog post right now without it. As a musician, music is something so powerful, for those who play instruments as well I know you would understand how indescribable music can be. I feel like those who even listen to music understand it too. Music, whether it is being played, being created, being heard, it will always have some sort of embodiment to that person. I would never regret my choice in trying to play the violin, because it wouldn’t have brought me here, where I am able to share my story of how music embodies me.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Music: Food for the Soul

Music has always been a huge part of my life. Whether it was listening to my dad’s old CDs of The Beatles, or singing along to religious hymns, or learning to play instruments.

Not Okay

I don’t want to be a stereotype 

Depression has become a trend and it disgust me 

I feel unspecial when I say I have depression like I have to have suicidal problems to speak freely  

Just for ppl to see me 

To see I’m hanging on by a thread 

That I’d rather be dead 

I don’t know why people want to throw that word around

It’s not cute or cool to feel so anxious you can’t  make a sound 

You can’t make a peep but the voices inside of your head are so loud 

The voices I so desperately wanna drown out 

I don’t even remember what I sound like 

When people ask you “how are you” they just want lies

They want to hear about your happiness not hear your fatal cries 

So I just say ” I’m okay” 

“Why just okay” with their faux-concern they say

Okay for me is I’m still living 

I’m still breathing. I’m still giving 

I think I can relate more to a soldier than a civilian 

Consistently reminding myself to take control and breath in 

Because the war inside myself is everlasting 

I can only feel the wisp of happiness in passing 

I don’t know what to say when my therapist ask me what joy would look like

And I’d feel stupid for asking 

When my friends tell me their problems I can’t help but feel envy 

I wish my greatest problem was if a boy liked me 

Instead I have death as an eternal enemy 

Looming over me 

They tell me drama follows me wherever I go 

Like my life can be compared to a theme of a silly sitcom show 

Why don’t you try fighting death ?

Every day I wake up I choose to take another breath 

How’s that for drama? 

Do I have to videotape my panic attacks for everyone to see how screwed  my head is?

Do you want to see the personal hell it created ?

Will you wipe my tears from my eyes 

Will you give me words of love to match my cries?

Will you tell me to live when I feel like I might die ? 

Maybe you will take me seriously then 

And that’s the problem 

I’m not fragile 

I’m not gray with frail bones and I won’t be for awhile

Don’t even think about treating me like I’m senile 

If you believe that I’m dying too how can I live ? 

If you look at me with those pity eyes I don’t think I’ll want to have another breath to give

All I need is an ear 

My fight with death isn’t yours but it could be yours for you to hear 

If you just ask me “what can I do?” instead of “if you’re okay”

Now I might not even know what to say or know how to help me find my way 

But it doesn’t matter 

By asking that one question..my life you might’ve saved 

Don’t ask me if I’m fine 

Cause no, I’m not okay 

My discovery of music

Up until my early high school years, I was not really much of a music person, which some people might consider weird. I was at the lowest point of my life during my high school days, I was depressed. I needed a way to relieve my depression. I struggled to find someone I could talk to. I never tried leaning towards my parents because they always expected me to shake away my emotions. I eventually talked to one of my friends and I was recommended music. As I listened to the, I deeply resonated with the lyrics of the song that I shed tears. It was the first time in my life I thought music had meaning to me on a deeper level. It opened up a new realm of music for me. I then decided to get Spotify and explore everything it had to offer. I started customizing my playlist which consists of my favorite songs and even now, it is still getting updated! I immersed myself to different artists and songs and developed a love towards them and their music. I’m glad I was able to find myself and grow to love music as a whole.

Ever since I found a meaning to music in my life, I listened to it more often, especially when I am studying, working out, or when I’m feeling down. Music had certainly impacted my life positively. I started learning to play the piano and guitar. Whenever I want a space of peace and mind, I play the guitar in my room, as it was a place where I can disregard all my negative emotions and thoughts. Sometimes you just need to have your personal space and really detox yourself.

I can’t imagine not being exposed to the vast variety of music. I probably can’t go a day without it now, and that isn’t an exaggeration! It will forever and always remain in a special place in my heart.

Wear and Tear

Our discussion about the bodies in athletics really spoke to me because if people knew the intense physicality it takes to play these sports, there would be an uprising. I have recently become aware of the world of collegiate women’s basketball, and it’s wild. It starts with a basic mandatory schedule. This includes 3 hours of practice, an hour of weights, and 2 hours of study hall daily, with one “Off Day” a week. The coaches make these schedules without input from the players, and players are expected to build around them. Players also have to participate in mandatory community service events scheduled by coaches. The university uses these bodies to prove they benefit the community. However, if the team returned from playing an away game the night before, they may not want to attend a 3-hour service event starting at 8 am. The lack of autonomy on a day-to-day basis feels like some sort of new-aged forced labor.

On top of that, a toxic mentality exists in the community of “proving that you want to be here” for the coaches to play one in a game. If they play, they can produce and prove they are valued enough to be invited back to the school and continue their job and education. However, if we break down what it means to “prove you want to be here,” it means exhausting your body beyond its means. With these tiresome schedules, it is implicitly expected for a player to fit extra workouts into their schedules and become straight-A students to show that they are mature enough to manage a work-life balance. Players are physically and mentally exhausted at the end of each day, and it seems impossible to do it all. They do this all while being paid an almost laughable amount of money. The person that I know plays basketball gets paid $500 a month in the cost of attendance money, which amounts to about $2.88 an hour. $2.88 an hour is nowhere near the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour, and this does not include programs that do not get paid.

Most of the time, payment is treated as a privilege and not a right when programs complain about the rigor of their jobs. Almost as if to say, “Be quiet and behave because you get paid.” This would be a different response if the team’s racial makeup were not majority black. To pull concepts from Theresa Runstedtler’s article, there is a long history of black bodies being used and abused for white entertainment and profit, starting with slavery, transitioning into sports like boxing in the 19th and 20th centuries, and transforming into our current athletic industrial complex. These systems are so successful only because black bodies are at the bottom. There is something about black bodies working to the bone for very little that sits right with the American spirit. 

I’m not sure what this means for sports. I say this as a die-hard Ravens fan who finds community and city pride in talking football, especially when I am not in Baltimore. But it is impossible to deny the complex into which I feed: the sports industry, like most things, is built in a pyramid, and the bottom is being pushed beyond max capacity.

Modern Day Slavery

I found our topic on sport sport-industrial complex and its effects on black people to be interesting because I see the same thing in music. I talked about it in my response paper but I wanna go into more depth here

Many African Americans have had music stolen from them by white people. Things such as rock, blues, and country were stolen from African Americans and many white people succeeded in the pain expressed through these songs. Rap music differed heavily though because it was thought of as not music. It was heavily scrutinized by not only white people but even some black people. This would later make it harder for white people to assimilate themselves into rap music.

Rap also eventually took a turn with its lyrics becoming more violent and that was due to people expressing the lifestyle they were surrounded by. This furthered the demonization of rap music especially by white people because they didn’t fully understand that the music was real life for African Americans. Even now there are very few popular white rappers compared to black people. It was a lot harder for white people to break into rap because white people generally had a different experience of life than black people. It’s a lot harder to relate to something you’ve never experienced and you can’t really connect.

With the failure of white people to get into rap and the popularity of rap, music labels really tried to capitalize on them. Many rappers come from impoverished areas and are rapping to get out of their situation. Music labels feed on this and offer this money to these rappers (generally African Americans) take the majorithy of their revenue and extort them. Rappers are presented with money they’ve never had access to and they don’t know how to effectively use it and that’s what the music labels want. It gives them absolute control over the rapper and at any moment they aren’t making enough money they could be dropped just like that. To make it worse the same people who claim that rap music is “vulgar” is also the same people who are heads of these labels and only want to use them to get money. Many rappers call rap a modern day slavery.

Staying True to Myself in Any Environment!

Embracing myself …..

In a world that constantly urges us to conform, it can be tempting to change who we are to fit into different environments. However, I have come to realize that true happiness lies in embracing our individuality and staying true to ourselves, regardless of the circumstances. In today’s blog post, I want to share my personal experiences and insights on how I have navigated the challenge of maintaining my identity while adapting to various environments. I firmly believe that one should never feel ashamed of their culture, spirituality, or any part of their identity, as these aspects make us who we are.

One aspect of my identity that I have always treasured is my religion and culture. Wherever I go, I carry these integral parts of myself with me. Embracing my religion and culture has not only provided me with a sense of belonging but has also allowed me to connect with others who share similar backgrounds. I firmly believe that by remaining true to my religious and cultural values, I am able to foster a profound sense of self-worth and authenticity. My spiritual life has always been a central pillar of my identity. It has guided me through difficult times and provided solace and strength in the face of adversity. I firmly believe that nurturing our spiritual well-being is essential for maintaining our authenticity. Whether it’s through prayer, meditation, or engaging in spiritual practices, dedicating time to nourish our souls allows us to stay grounded and true to ourselves regardless of the environment we find ourselves in.

In a society that often places immense pressure on individuals to conform, it can be challenging to resist the temptation to change ourselves to fit in. However, I have learned that true happiness and fulfillment come from embracing our uniqueness. Instead of succumbing to social expectations, I choose to celebrate my individuality, allowing my differences to shine rather than dulling them. It is crucial to surround ourselves with supportive and accepting individuals who appreciate us for who we are. By seeking out like-minded friends and communities, we create safe spaces where our identity is respected and cherished. These connections not only reinforce our sense of self, but they also inspire us to continue embracing our individuality and remaining true to ourselves in any environment. As I navigate different environments, I realize the importance of educating others about my culture, religion, and spiritual practices. By raising awareness, I break down stereotypes and foster an atmosphere of understanding and acceptance. It is through open dialogue and cultural exchange that we can create inclusive environments where diverse identities are valued.

In a world that often pressures us to conform, it is essential to resist the urge to change ourselves to fit into various environments. By embracing our religion, culture, and spiritual lives, we can build a strong sense of self and feel empowered to stay true to who we are. Let us celebrate our individuality and educate others, creating environments that foster understanding and acceptance. Remember, never feel ashamed of your identity; it is what makes you unique and beautiful.