OCD isn’t really cute

OCD is like (and I apologize for what I’m about to do to some of you) The Game. Always there, but not a problem until it becomes a conscious thought. And then it’s on replay; like The Game, trying not to think of it only makes it worse.

Years ago, I was luckily “exited” from The Game. Although I’ve not seen this ever described as an “official” rule or solution to The Game, I choose to believe that one could be “exited”. Since The Game functions a lot like OCD does (at least, for me), it’s not some cute mind game that we all play together, it’s a reminder that my brain doesn’t work the same way everyone else’s does. I have a million little “The Games” I’m playing constantly in my head—if a pencil is turned toward me, if I notice it, it has to be turned away. If the “Best By” date has passed and I notice it, I have to throw it out. Well, I don’t have to, but my brain will make it seem like the end of the world if I don’t (and that’s on magical thinking, which isn’t as fun as it sounds).

Diagram by me!

There’s more, too: intrusive thoughts, which are not what TikTok makes them out to be; object personification, which leads me to hoarding, unable to give away anything because I fear it ending up trashed, abused, or unloved (which is of course made worse when coupled with ADHD and impulse buying). Like many others, I have to do things in equal measure to my body. If I chew my nails (as I have a bad habit of doing), I have to chew equally on both sides of my mouth, and then the whole nail has to be smooth, which often means I’m stuck chewing on my nails until it’s too painful to continue. Or I have to step on the stairs evenly, which might make me go back and walk back down the stairs if I wasn’t able to get enough steps on my left foot.

The thoughts are easiest to stop when you don’t even give them the chance to talk; you look away from what triggers the obsession, you walk away, leave the room, remove yourself from the trigger, and the voice doesn’t get the chance to talk. You look like a madperson when you literally plug your ears and say, “La la la!” loudly, but you do what you have to to block the thoughts from forming. Blocking them is hard, but resisting is harder.

It’s not fun talking about OCD, I know. I understand the looks of discomfort, fascination, scrutiny, disbelief when I talk about why I do what I do or the process of my thinking. It’s as crazy to you as it is to me. I know how alien it is to many; it’s clear from how I’m treated.

The Game is a reminder that I do not belong to the same world as everyone else; that I cannot escape this, even in the most normal of moments, even in elementary school games. That, at the end of the day, most people can decide whether or not they want to be a part of The Game, but I have a voice in the back of my head telling me society will literally collapse if I allow myself to exit The Game.

But someone exited me from The Game, so I don’t have to play it ever again. Years of therapy and learning how to cope with OCD have helped me learn that I can stop those thoughts on my own (most of the time; I’m still getting stronger).

If you’ve read through all this, I hope this helps you understand a bit more how OCD can work (and it can be more or less extreme than it is for me than it is for others). And, if you need to be exited from The Game too, consider this your official invitation to stop playing the game. I promise, nothing bad will happen.

A monstrous matryoshka

As I had read Susan Stryker’s article on trans rage and the comparison of Victor Frankenstein’s unfortunate monster, I found myself following each word closely. I had so rarely seen anyone talk so openly about the pains and sorrows that are hidden about transgender identity. The discussion in class presented an extremely important point on who is allowed to show and vocalize strong negative emotions like rage and pain. As a person of color, as a queer and transgender individual, my permission of showing these emotions has been quite small, but looking further inward I know that there are other reasons I am not one to show these emotions. For my last post I call upon Stryker’s voice of these negative emotions and a monstrous identity, but not for my transgender identity, but one I am coming to terms with existing within me. I open up the physical patchwork body of mine to see inwards, within the darkness I see a cage chained to the ground. Moving closer I can hear the rattling of anger, I peer inside the cage to see a gnarled and patched up figure, teeth unnaturally pointed and sharp objects partially embedded in its body. I instinctively know these objects were brandished weapons with the purpose of subduing and killing this figure, but they have failed. This figure was human once and I can’t help the sadness I feel seeing what has become of them.

“What happened to you?” I ask cautiously.

The pause feels deafening.

“I’d think you’d recognize us, not many come back from the war of trauma unscathed.”

It’s said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but no one should be forced to be this strong to the point of being caged in fear.

As an echo to the original article, my comparison of monstrous identity in regards to trauma is not one to be used against all who have trauma. This is my sole reclamation of my past and should never be used against individuals who do not wish to do the same. This post will include raw calls to mental health happenings in response to traumatic experiences. Though there will be no details of happenings, there are insinuations of abuse on varying levels.

“You give really good, solid relationship advice.” “Thanks! It’s cause I’ve ruined all my relationships.”: Perhaps better off alone

Most people see being told they give good relationship advice and are very considerate to the other people in the relationship as a good thing, but I can’t help that it feels like the bane of my existence currently. It’s like I’m helping people study for relationships and communication 101 and they proudly show me their A with the attached “thanks to your help!” while I shuffle on with my F and backlog of assignments.

Faking it?

“Faking It” in a speech bubble with scribbles behind it.

Invisible disabilities… many think of mental disabilities, and maybe at times they are highlighted too much, but with the culture my family is a part of, mental disabilities aren’t even considered to be a legit thing.

Body Neutrality and my mental illness

“I’m okay”, “I’m tired”, “No worries!” and other lies I tell: An ode to my failing mental health

2020 was a train wreck, a dumpster fire, the roller coaster we weren’t allowed to get off, and it doesn’t take much looking to realize everyone is fed up and burnout from the pandemic, over a year of condensed trauma (whether you or someone you knew got sick or not), incompetent people in power, social justice at the forefront of everywhere, up rooted and cancelled life plans, the world is a dart board with every inch covered in things that will decimate your ability to keep going. But 2021 seems to show that 2020 was just a prelude to what our everyday life will be like from here on out.

Content warning!! Candid mental health talk, sucide and suicidal ideation, and open talk about trauma responses (NO details will be given about the traumatic events).

“You’re very normal despite the meds you’re taking!”: Coping With Appearing “Normal”

CW for a suicide mention

I work at a pharmacy. This means I’m trusted with people’s health information. We have special trash specifically for regular trash, blue HIPPA trash (paper with HIPPA info on it), and green HIPPA trash (plastic with HIPPA info on it). The HIPPA trash is shredded and we’re VERY serious about making sure the trash is separate because our store can be fined a lot of money if we mix that up. The HIPPA trash goes in a locked trash can. That being said, we’re very big on protecting people’s privacy. However, we get a peek into this privacy with every phone call asking “Can you refill my gabapentin?”, which means that they have a form of nerve pain versus “Can you refill my Suboxone?”, which means they are being treated for drug addiction. It’s sometimes scary having all this information especially when we end up memorizing certain patients because they come in bi-weekly or monthly for their medications. Which leads to me, I take five different medications: an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, an anti-seizure medication to treat a side effect from my mood stabilizer, birth control, and most recently, an ADHD medication. I get them all filled at the pharmacy I work at which means my coworkers know which medications I am on. I’m very open about what I take, I have no shame of being on medication, in fact, I love taking medication because I, unfortunately, know who I am/who I was before medication. However, it’s a very different feeling when you are allowing yourself to be open about your medication versus when someone is in charge of you, intimately knows you, and intimately knows what you take, just like my pharmacist. 

Queer Brokenness: Intersection with Mental Illness

Image Source: http://trauma.blog.yorku.ca/2015/12/south-asian-queer-community-lacks-visibility/  (Artist – Jinesh Patel)

(Content and Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide, Substance Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, Bullying)

.

.

I often find that mental illness and queerness aren’t addressed properly or constructively when talked about together. So often the public at large would have us believe that queerness is a result of mental illness or that mental illness is the result of queerness exclusively. With this in mind, the queer community will often push back on society’s behavior by talking about the two exclusively from each other, frequently ignoring all the ways mental illness intersect. That’s does not go to say that queerness is the result of mental illness or vice versa at all, but rather it shouldn’t be ignored that many people in the queer community go through both because of the way society has constructed and reacted towards queerness. For example, queerness has often been perceived as a deviant thing, it has historically been punished and worked against in a variety of ways.

On Pain Meds and Brain Meds

I get the impression that most people don’t put much thought into over the counter medication. Other than the warnings on the bottle about not taking more than a certain number in a certain amount of time, these drugs are considered “safe”. You take them when you have a symptom to relieve, you stop when it goes away. It wasn’t until I started taking prescription medication for my mental illness that I realized how much I take OTC meds for granted.

When I first started taking medication one of my friends looked up as much information on my meds as he could find. One of the things he looked for is other things I could and could not take at the same time. And one of the things on the no-no list was NSAIDs.

Mental Illness, an existence defined by potential futures and progress

Warning: This blog contains around 1250 words. It could very well be an article in a journal.

In the previous part, I discussed that mental health is constructed by both individuals and society.

Then, what makes a certain state of mental health undesirable? What power is there in claiming a weakened state? Finally, what makes a “normal life”?

In order to understand these questions, it would be important to state the concept of “future”. It is, according to Wikipedia , what will happen in the time after the present, an inevitable event. I will add onto that definition, that future is also a nebulous concept that has not yet been determined. This has political power, in that one can create a variety of potential realities that could come into being as a result of [event].