The dreaded boys section and girls section. The first thing you see when you walk into a store that sells clothes is that divide between blue and pink.
On one side is camouflage, trucks, dinosaurs, superheroes, and dark colors. The other is glitter, bows, cute animals, hearts, flowers, and bright colors. I didn’t specify which one was boys and which was girls but I didn’t have to, did I? Why has society spent so much time telling us these are the only two styles that exist, and they exist only for one of two genders?
My first experience shopping in the mens section was in middle school. I started with graphic t-shirts because I liked the fit better (women’s shirts: why do you insist on being so tight around the armpits?). I felt more comfortable with the looser fit. I then experimented with other types of shirts (I’ll be honest, it was flannels) and jeans. Mens jeans just have so much pocket space. Come on, women need pockets too. Where else would we keep our rocks? Experimenting with clothing came with questioning my gender. Suddenly I was stuffing my hair into my beanie to see what I would look like.
I can’t remember how, but I grew out of that and started shopping in the womens section again. Whether that came with the embarrassment I felt while wearing mens jeans around girls wearing skinny jeans and skirts, or just a change in my personal style, I couldn’t tell you.
That doesn’t really matter because I’m back in the mens section. And what I’ve noticed while exploring my nonbinary identity is that there are now more shops that sell gender neutral or unisex clothing. But what does that mean? Scrolling through different websites, it usually just means mens clothing that they also show female models in. Dark colors, boxy fit, usually street wear. I know there are websites and shops out there that actually sell good gender neutral clothing, so just pretend I’m not talking about them. Right now I’m talking about stores like PacSun. Most of what is in their gender neutral collection might as well be in the mens section. It’s almost like they think gender neutral means traditionally masculine. Why are designers so afraid of putting traditionally feminine clothes on male presenting people?
I started writing this when I was elevated and even though it may sound exaggerated and heavily personified, I know that I was writing what I truly feel. This is how music is present in my life.
Music allows me to stand up to, address, and understand my emotions. Without you I wouldn’t know who I am. I am a person whose emotions feel complicated and out of the ordinary. My feelings make themselves more important than anything. Without you I would be dead. I would have nothing to comfort me besides the rain. Some of my friends do too, but the rain and you are not human and the closest thing to my inner peace. I’m alive because of you and I owe you my talent, truth, and full self. You have given me the greatest feeling I will ever feel. Nostalgia and therapy. You give me the greatest feeling and remind me every time I play you. You are the only thing that truly understands me because with you I am able to be my authentic self. You allow me to feel everything under the sky, and question. You are the only good feeling that multiplies in so many different ways that only deepens my feeling and understanding. I love you. You are my heart and passion. The people that I share you with are special. The people that I share myself with through you are special. The person that I will truly be with in the most loving and honest way will have you to thank for my heart. I may not even understand the magnitude of this and what it really means but I will try my best to give you my all and give you truly me. I deserve that because I owe myself love that is true. You understand me in a different language that I don’t even speak. I don’t understand. You are the only one that I feel comfortable with giving my complete self too. Not that I am afraid someone will but you wouldn’t betray me. You give my security. You give my thoughts and emotions shelter, food, and water. There’s more that I can say, but for now, Thank you. I look forward spending the rest of our lives together.
“Being perfect is boring, failing is fun.” I’ve been reflecting on that phrase my roommate shared with me a few nights ago. I had opened up quite a bit about my struggles with managing academic responsibilities with the expectations of my parents, in addition to whatever standards I have set for myself. Unfortunately, “perfection,” or something close to it, is the end goal I’ve been conditioned to pursue throughout my academic career. This has been farther compounded by the fact that I earned the title of the smart kid out of my four siblings (I even got the nickname “professor” for at least a year and a half). Pair this with constantly having others comment on the excellence of your family and siblings, and now I’m not just chasing after perfection for my own sake, but to uphold my family name.
First semester back in person, after 2 years of online teaching with quarantines , lockdowns , riots , protests , tragedies happening all around us. How was it? Did you achieve everything you set out to? Did you crush it this semester? Did the semester crush you? What ever it may be I want you to know that whatever outcome , whatever you faced , however you felt , the happiness , the sadness , the fear , the resentment , helplessness . You are alive , the most precious thing there is. Live in the present , accept the past , build the future.
If you did well this semester , congratulations I know it wasn’t easy. It must be acknowledged with no faults. I hope you enjoy and bask in the moment whilst preparing yourself for the next. Not becoming too comfortable where you become stagnant , I hope you are constantly trying to best yourself. I love that you did well this semester. But I pray you don’t become conceited , and you understand when to and when not to flaunt your success, and that you don’t put down others who didn’t do so well. However , I want you to feel that success and bask in the moment. Making it that high you always chase , constantly growing.
If you didn’t do well this semester , don’t beat yourself up. Trust me its understandable to lose sight of focus due to unforeseen circumstances and unnecessary scenarios in your everyday life that pile up and pile up until you shut down, mentally. Nobody knows the trials and tribulations you faced this semester some professors may know the tip of the iceberg , yet there’s more than meets the eye beneath the surface. I hope and pray any mental battles you faced this year , you’ve healed from or on track to a better place. I truly understand , most people don’t understand the importance of mental health and the changes in which it can cause to your body, I’ll confidently say I do. You showing out for yourself day in and day out whether its with a mask , façade is beautiful. Use this as a motivator , I’ve been always told you have to hit your lows to reach your highs. Lets reach our highs…. hehe… if you know what I mean…. I’m just kidding truthfully though, lets make a promise to each other that we will continue , that we will be better , and that whatever occurred this semester does not define me or my outcomes. Promise me , Promise yourself , Promise your future self. You got this! Don’t dwell on it!
I hope everyone has a lovely Holiday Season! May never get to read into your minds ever again however I wish success onto everyone and even future students in this class. I pray that you are always surrounded with abundance , love , prosperity , protection , and care. Truly. Bye! ❤
4chan, reddit, funny and discord. All have been controversial cesspools in some way or another. Some like reddit and discord have redeemed themselves. Others have… well.. yeah, they’re still exactly the same.
In a world dominated by the internet and the discourse that happens on it, a few have decided that we need to monitor what goes on within our virtual halls in order to protect vulnerable populations. Younger girls needs safe spaces to talk amongst themselves and enjoy content. The lgbt community needs to have a safe space to discuss their needs and issues. The fat community needs to have a safe space away from fat phobia. etc. etc. But with these safe spaces came trolls, usually manifesting themselves from teenage boys and young adult men. Trolls who would often post triggering content within these safe spaces trying to illicit a reaction from the members of said group. And while these actions were not tasteful or ok, many failed to realize that it was this group of people who often needed a safe space for themselves. Their behavior, while not to be excused, should be understood where it came from and why.
Many younger boys and men used to watch cringe compilations on sites like YouTube. These compilations while funny and usually innocent would slowly start adding suggestions in the watch next category along the lines of “feminist gets owned” or “sjw fail” and things along those lines. An interesting video many would think, simply an extension of the video they are currently watching, but alas it was truly propaganda meant to draw in that vulnerable population. From these videos showing very blatantly extremist views from people who identified as feminists or social justice warriors, it would create a hatred of said groups for the viewer. These viewers would then go source out this anti-feminist material and go down rabbit holes of trad-wives, meninism, and other masked alt-right propaganda. Within these spaces, many would interact with actual alt-right members and slowly become desensitized to extreme cruelty and violence towards marginalized groups such as poc, lgbt, and women, often under the guise of “They’re the cringe extremists, we are in the right.” Sites like 4chan and reddit would have forums with thousands of members talking about their distrust and dislike of these groups, slowly brainwashing younger more impressionable boys and men into thinking what they were doing is correct, thus creating entire online armies of people to do their bidding. These high school and college aged boys were truly victims of the internet, and a lot of people don’t seem to see them as such. Boys and men who were sweet and caring were slowly and unfortunately brainwashed into believing in hate and bigotry. This is not and should not be considered a “normal phase”. Of course many teenagers go through periods of questioning the norm and going against the grain, but the lack of empathy and willingness to cause other harm and agony is not. Behavior like this truly is a cry for help.
In this piece , I want to start off by saying , we often find ourselves wanting to be like others , and hyper-analyzing our own self proclaimed flaws to which could be to others our fine points. Beauty is to the eye of the beholder, everyone has beauty inside them, I feel as if its how you radiate that beauty through your confidence that creates your flaws and perfections. Appreciate every aspect of yourself those you can change and those you cannot change. As it holds beauty no matter what.
I always struggled with confidence , even as a child unless I was certain of my ability I wouldn’t dare try or do it fear of the reactions in which my Father or peers would have. Being an individual that constantly messes up and has to go about routes that are rather unconventional , I was labeled as a “fuck up” at a young age. Often found myself having to sit in silence as I’m berated with questions. “Can you do anything right?” , “are you even paying attention?” until it gets to the I’ll do it myself stage. “Just leave it alone , I’ll do it myself or ill get your brother”? I found these turn events occurring in all walks of life , whether it was school , everyday activities , chores , favors , sports. Anything that involved my father. I never realized how much he affected me until my freshman year of college. When I stopped playing soccer and resided to gaming and academics , I gained a lot of weight and continued to blow myself up like a balloon, the sweet tooth always gets what it wants. In the moment , whilst your living it you truly don’t realize the changes that occur to your body. Thus when this arose , my father literally or hypothetically disowned , wanted nothing to do with me because of my appearance and size. I always would just play it off , and ignore his comments. Continued to grow , then I entered high school. Thank the Lord , I had some sort of mental toughness due to my father because I promise you every single day I would be called ugly at least 3 times a day, a peer or friend would just look at me bust out into laughter and say “you know you ugly right?”. Then to make matters worse I had HORRIBLE acne, I must admit it was pretty bad, friends(were they really?) use to call me crunch bar. I found myself not caring and laughing on the situations as I already built a mental fortitude within myself, Idk what would’ve happened if I wasn’t just a walking ball of love & humor who deflects all type of negativity and doubt. But subconsciously , I had a mental image as If I was ugly squidward mixed with when he ate too many crabby patties.
Then the change happened , I realized that in fact I did not want to live like this anymore , I of course would sometimes feel a way due to the words , I’m not superman but I wouldn’t care I felt comfortable in my skin until I didn’t. Until I wanted a change , maybe partially sparked by falling in love with a girl who wouldn’t even look my direction. Only slightly , it twas not only in hopes of gaining her attention I promise but to gain back my confidence. That summer entering junior year of high school , I went to the gym every single day and ran, walked , jogged , skipped you name it for an hour on the treadmill and lifted weights until I became slim/fit. The change was acknowledged by all; neighbors , classmates , peers from church, and most of all my father. Yet , in my mind I still felt fat , I still felt as if it wasn’t enough , as I cycled through weight gain and loss even now as a junior in sophomore, I still feel fat it was not until just recently when my parents(my father mainly of course) believes I lost too much weight and I’m starting to look very small maybe sickly as an exaggeration since he’s use to seeing me with a big frame. Plus of course , when your body becomes fit and your face matures and your features define itself you begin to look better to yourself , and others. However, no matter how many times I’m complimented I subconsciously believe to myself at the end of the day I’m ugly. Is this due to the subconscious ? Though I deflect the comments consciously do they really do stick? As I dove deeper seeking the significance and crucial factor to why I felt this way, I was sent a picture of myself from 8th/9th grade. Where I have my shirt up and I look like a different person. I consciously never remembered myself looking like this , I don’t even remember looking in the mirror a lot. Or ? Did I purposely delete those memories from that phase of my life, even my family had no recollection of me being that size, of course except my father. Yet these memories and events though erased from my conscious I believe they plague my subconscious.
Though I don’t write this to say anything as if it was traumatic , sure my dad had harsh ways of showing his care for me but I truly do appreciate it. I feel as if I didn’t have that negative pressure or better yet a villain in my story , I probably would have grown to an unhealthy size which I already was at the time . It took truly looking within myself whilst forgiving him to realize everything he said to me , every reaction , every subtle remark was to spark a change in me. Make me realize, because he would give me the world if I acted right , I love him , he’s the best. And Just like the movie soul where in order for the soul to get to earth is for them to get an earth pass, which is a spark or mistakenly purpose. I feel as if we all experience life or go through life riding the wave until we either fall to our lowest point and there’s a spark for change , are given an opportunity of a lifetime that sparks a change of lifestyle and focus , or simply maybe the opinions of those we love most. Love yourself through in and through out , don’t fall victim to your villains use their words as motivation, the more you become at peace with yourself the more your beauty radiates, the more you prove them wrong and continue to sharpen yourself the more confidence you develop. I love those moments genuinely as I feel as they shaped me into the good place I am in right now to start my upwards trend in life and enter any endeavor with confidence. I wonder how my self-image will be next year around this time.
Fun Fact : I did not get that girl , but I gained her attention and we became good friends.
The physical accessibility of UMBC’s campus has long been criticized by students and staff alike. Due to the nature of the location, the entire campus is on a hill, and this means that to get to 90% of buildings on campus, you’ll be using stairs at least once or twice. For those in good shape, and who are able to use stairs no problem, it poses a minor inconvenience. However, for anyone else, it is a large obstacle, which becomes worse when you add in the time constraints between classes. If a student has 2 classes back to back, they need to use almost all the intermittent time to get to their next classroom. From personal experience, this usually results in being tired and sweaty upon arrive, which makes sitting in the classroom for the next hour uncomfortable. On top of this, commuter parking lots are far away from any classroom, and require quite the trek. Recently, UMBC removed their free hour that had previously existed to allow everyone to have lunch at a relaxed pace. Now, classes can run straight through this time, meaning some students are forced to eat an early or late lunch. But if you’re like me and commute from 30 to 60 minutes away, and have back to back classes, this means that you could be going without food for 6 hours or more depending on your schedule. This is the situation I found myself in this semester. I had 3 classes back to back, and couldn’t take them at any other time, because it would increase the number of days I would have to commute, and thus the amount of time wasted driving (as well as money spent for gas) that I could use to study or work or do anything else. You could argue that I had the choice of schedule, so the issue I faced was one of my own design, but there are many situations where schedule choices are slim, and thus necessitate tight schedules like this one. A choice that saves a broke college student significant money and time is no choice at all, and I don’t have the funds to justify comfortable scheduling over efficiency. After my first class, I’d have to walk across the whole campus from the top of the hill to the bottom to get food, eat within 5 minutes or less, and then run to my next class which was back at the top of the hill. I could simply skip lunch, but then I’d be starving for the next two periods, which would distract me, and prevent me from being as attentive in the lecture as I could be. Even with my rushed travel, I still came to class late, anywhere from 5-15 minutes. And of course, after having eaten quickly, and then exercising a good bit, I’d feel nauseous. But I’m physically abled. For someone who can’t run or get around quickly, or who needs to use the elevators and take the indirect, lengthy, after-thought of an “accessible” path, they’d either have to come to class significantly late, or not eat. Which is not a choice that students should have to make.
Physical accessibility at UMBC doesn’t concern a minority, it concerns all of us. We all stand to gain from more accessible infrastructure and scheduling. While there are limitations to what can be changed since the campus is already built, and budgets that must be worked around, I pay a lot of money to attend school here. A new stadium is cool, but it doesn’t solve the more pressing issues of parking, and campus accessibility, ones that would significantly improve both my and others time here on campus.
Im starting this out by saying this is the hardest post to write because I’m not very good at being vulnerable, But at the same time its a huge part of the reason why i’m struggling so hard with everything right now. I was originally gonna write a light hearted post about the way a video game I was playing could be used as a case study for accessibility but I decided to write this instead.
Basically I’ve been going through a big identity crisis lately and its been hard to find my footing when I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to be someone who was so sure of who she was, an embodiment of self assurance and confidence not afraid to be different and face the world head on with a smile. Someone who knew everything would be alright in the end because it always had been. Someone who saw her greatest strength was talking to people. Someone who knew what she wanted and had big dreams and aspirations.
But things have changed. for one that girl was 19 the last time she was herself before being told she has to stay inside for a long time. Then out of no where she’s 21 being told she’s a full adult despite feeling like she’s still fresh out of high school. losing two years has also made me lose my grip on time and there are days I have to remind myself that I did actually spend two birthdays in a quarantine and that no I can not call myself a teenager anymore because i’m truly not even though I never fully learned what it means to exist with out the “teen” at the end of my age. Im still grappling with the fact that I’m not in the same position I was in when I entered quarentine. that im closer to the age when my parents got married then I am to when I graduated high School. That im seeing my friends talk about grad school when I still feel frozen in time in my second year of college. I forget that were not the same people we were when this started.
I also lost my Nana this year. I didn’t realize how much her loss would affect me and its really threw me for a loop. I feel like I lost a connection to a large part of my identity when I lost her. She over the years has been the only consistent person of my extended family in my life and also one of the only connections I’ve had to my families history in the past. she was the only one who had the knowledge and was willing to tell me stories about my families heritage and our family in Italy and it has been hard realizing that connection is now gone. Its been weird celebrating holidays with out her, its only been me and my imediate family and it just feels so off.
finally I feel like im stuck in place while everything is moving with out me. It feels like the world is totally different now and I feel differently about it. I feel like im fighting off my apathy with a stick sometimes because everything is moving to fast for me to even try and keep up. I used to see my voice as my biggest strength but recently its been the thing that’s made the most mistakes in my life to the point where I just want to shut up but my brain doesn’t allow it because with out my voice what do I have? I no longer am confident I know what im doing but instead feel myself cracking under the pressure to know what im supposed to do. everything feels like so much I just want it all to stop so I push it all away and sabotage myself. I don’t want to fail but in being too scared to do so I keep myself from succeeding and I dont know what to do.
In this class we’ve talked a lot about embodiment and how we embody our identities in this world but how do you embody something you feel like you’ve lost? even more so how do you embody something you feel like your still trying to find? and most importantly how so you feel like yourself again when you lost so much of who you were?
I miss the person I used to be because right now I feel like a stranger to myself.
Unruly Bodies 