a 180 turn

Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

I have lived my whole teenage years on social media. Post after post I have been exposed to different topics, but one that I have seen are posts surrounding mental health. As someone who grew up in a household where mental illness simply meant that you weren’t worshiping God enough or it was a sign you were a bad person, my family never spoke about mental health. It wasn’t until I was way into my teenage years (like 18 years old) when I realized that my anxiety and depression wasn’t a reflection of my actions or a form of punishment. Not only was I surviving undiagnosed, but I was also unaware. I had no understanding of what this intense amount of uncalled for sadness was coming from or trying to explain to anyone why I brushing my teeth in bed seemed like climbing a mountain. At one point I was becoming scared to leave my house because I didn’t know what these anxiety attacks were for. I have since been on a self-learning journey of having a basic understanding of what mental health is. In one of our classes we learned about mental health disability, and I was taken back by the title. I never even thought of myself for having a disability. Reading the article about how being a good disabled person resonated with me because I have always had to push past the hard times because of the 0 flexibility that I was surrounded by. On days where I couldnt stop crying, I would put on mascara so that it would “force” myself to stop crying unless I wanted to look “stupid.” Although there is always the normal amount of forcing yourself to be positive in a public setting or work environment, I found myself forcing myself to put my struggles to the side when I was around my family because of the heavy stigma it carried. I was not allowed to rest unless I was sick. Because I wasn’t given the space to feel my emotions, it has honestly come with detrimental effects and in turn made everything worse. I didn’t turn a corner until after I hit rock bottom and my parents finally decided to listen and understand. I’ve now started getting treatment, but I feel embarrassed or ashamed to have this illness because even though I know that the stigma around mental health is null, I was still raised that way, so for me to accept my illness is a whole different step that I have to work through. Lastly, my own journey towards increasing my knowledge around my religion has shown me the compassion, love, and empathy that God has for those struggling with mental health issues. I discovered that struggling with mental health was not a form of punishment or made me a bad person at all. Right now, I am in the weirdest stage of my life where I have a wider understanding of myself and my issues that I am dealing with, but I am still working towards accepting it and myself + be more compassionate and patient with myself. 

Eat mor chi(have no mouth and i must scream)ckin

“An artistic interpretation of my uniform at Chick-fil-A”

Out of desperation, I used to work at an establishment called “Chick-Fil-A”, where’s earth holiest chicken sandwiches came to be, and the guests are seemingly holier than God. Each day, I clocked in physically only to clock out mentally and pretend I’m playing a fast-food simulator to pass time. Usually, the script went, “Hi, welcome to Chick-Fil-A, can I have a name for your order please” and then the guest proceeded to tell me their name and their order. Periodically, I’d have a guest break the script to leave a joyful compliment such as the usual, “Keep it going!”, “Your customer service skills are excellent”, “You’re so articulate”, or “I bet I can guess your ethnicity; I’m usually really good at guessing these kinds of things”. Upon hearing these delights, I would flash a big grin and redirect the conversation to their order because we also had to keep in mind our speed of service, but how do you professionally keep your composure after working for 7 hours straight, with your back aching from not being able to sit, enduring that one co-worker who joined three weeks ago passively aggressively reminding you every minute to “pull up the cars”, and grin your way through a guest trying to guess your ethnicity like guessing the breed of a dog? The answer is you don’t because once a guest goes off-script, my mind begins to combust into flames because the amount of physical labor required for my position exceeds the wage tenfold. On top of that, I had to regulate my “own emotions that were required by [my] certain profession” (Hochschild 2). In other words, I also had to provide emotional labor. This heavy emotional labor played a huge factor in my decision to quit.

During that time, we were also required to wear masks inside, which hindered our facial expressions, so I had to be extra peppy when I spoke to customers in case they decided to leave a bad Google review or fake a complaint to get a cookie (true story). I as an employee had to “become a body on display” (Slavishak 161), in order to contribute to the friendly, attentive image of the company. I was basically a robot with a permanently etched smile that spewed out pre-programmed lines 8 hours a day. From the company’s perspective, I understand that they have a reputation to uphold because they are a business after all. The issue with that is, I am not a robot. I have a moral compass and should have the right to stand my ground when I’m being disrespected, but every time I think of shutting them down, I am reminded that I could be laid off for not tolerating racism. I am reminded that I am just a cog in the machine that can be easily replaced.

“Picture of two fingers between the edges of the mouth to create a smile”

Baby Steps Toward Loving My Body

Growing up, I was made to feel like my body was not good enough. Not beautiful enough. Not healthy enough. Not loveable enough. Whether it was through unrealistic beauty standards, constant nagging of needing to cover up my own body because it serves as a “distraction”, or through daily comparison of my body with other people’s. I felt as though I needed to constantly be self-critical of my body, in order to be better and healthier. However, this did the complete opposite. When I looked in the mirror, I felt angry and disappointed with myself because I did not look a certain way. I realize that I was so focused on my outer beauty, that I never showed what I had to offer from the inside.

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we need a break.

to: The Brain

subject: break?

---

Hey,

I’m writing this letter to tell you I want to break up. We’ve been trying for too long, when will the trying stage end? Never clearly.

We have been disagreeing for a while. Just because we don’t get along as well as we used to doesn’t mean you always have to be in the gym. Come on you’ve been doing this for too long, don’t you think we deserve a break? Of course, just like in real life, you’re unresponsive, like when you have your headphones on, completely zoned in.

This is reoccurring behavior of my brain. It’s been like this since middle school, I mean you take a few downfalls and it’s all work. Work. Work. Can’t you just move on and act like nothing happened? Yawn. You’re barely here for me because all you do is go out.

I get it. Sometimes it’s hard, with all the flashbacks and stuff. Quite frankly, sometimes I think you’re faking it for attention. I mean sure I remember some of it, but who cares? I hate this. It’s always questions and no answers with us. When I’m confused and need your help, you’re never around; all you do is try and get stronger. Do you really think it’s healthy that you’re forgetting things so easily, you can’t even remember what the task you were going to do was, or how about how you used to remember lyrics so quickly as a child and now you can’t even remember the first words correctly.

Of course, I can’t just forget the good times. I remember those moments when we actually did good on tests and remembered the things we studied or the moments when we felt happiest even while being stuck at home for months. I know you’re a “stay at home and watch Modern Family for the millionth time” type of person and I want to be out there hanging out with everyone. Still, you have to keep in mind how I’ve stayed in with you many times, crying at Phil getting emotional over “Cat’s In The Cradle” by Harry Chapin. I do enjoy doing that a lot with you, having little discussions with you, and loving that no one else will ever know.

You actually help me a lot, sometimes the flashbacks and scary thoughts are a lot I wish we could tone it down a little, but most of the time you’re very reassuring. You’re smart and give great advice to our friends when they’re in similar situations as we’ve been through. I know there are moments when you’re not so sure of yourself, you don’t want to get vulnerable and talk because it always leads to tears. “I look pathetic when I cry,” you always say. To me, you don’t. I like when you’re vulnerable but when you’re trying to distract yourself and not open up is how our problems start.

Maybe it’s because of me that you work so much. I’m reading over this letter and I’m starting to think I might be the reason. Wow, way to go self-reflection. Now, this is messed up. I promise I wasn’t trying to constrict you, I’m just really tired of constantly having to come to terms with the things that happen to me. I know you blame yourself often but you’re not to blame at all, sometimes I think it’s my own fault but you’ve taught me that that’s not true at all either. It wasn’t fair to us and it’s not fair that I keep damaging our relationship by constantly trying to shut the truth out.

I don’t want to leave you. I want to work it out and get through these difficult times together. Like we’ve always done. I want us to heal each other, learn to cope, and find peace with the past. We’re a little messed up, but hey, sometimes mushy bananas make the best smoothies.

Let me know once you get this message.

Sincerely,

the body.

Like the Cabaret song: “Money makes the world go around.”

I’ve been on my feet since 7am. It is currently 2:45pm. Waiting, obviously, very patiently for the clock to strike 4 so I can get out of here. Sometimes I wonder if I complain too much about working, I mean look at my mom. Sometimes, while pregnant, she works up until the day she gives birth. I don’t think I was given the bones to work for hours, I mean yeah I have some pretty strong calves from when I played Volleyball and from walking miles after I had to take a bus that left me at a farther stop from my house on multiple occasions but still all this standing is gonna bite me in the behind in a couple years.

I’m getting distracted… What was the task they asked me to do?

…

Oh yeah!

Clean the shoes and tag them. I like just being told to do a task and being left alone in one spot. Of course, that’s ruined once the customers come to check out, I get that they’re what keeps the company running but sometimes I don’t feel like a human to them. I do like this job more than my last one but I can’t help but feel drained when I come in and even more when I leave, knowing I have to come back in tomorrow. I used to work a lot more but I don’t feel like the recovery period is quick enough for me to work more days.

I think about how my coworker, who is much older than me, tells me about the back pain she deals with constantly at work, I get it. Man do I get it. I can’t lie down immediately when I get home from work because my legs will turn to jelly once I have to stand up. Anyone who does this every day of the week for even longer hours has all my respect. Honestly though, why do we even allow ourselves to be subjected to this? I’ve seen some stores where the workers have chairs and other benefits to alleviate pain and strain. Something I realized during one of my shifts was that no matter how friendly I am with my managers and bosses, I will never be seen as a human by them too. So first it’s the customers and then mix in the employers too. Makes sense though right? I mean companies don’t care if you have school, they don’t care if you’re injured, they don’t care if you’re a primary caretaker for a relative, instead, all they see is a pawn who failed to play their part, replaceable too. Why should they even care though, it’s not like my personal life affects them, if I miss a class because I had to work, it doesn’t change their life. If I miss the deadline for an important quiz because I had to work late, It doesn’t get back to them.

Since the beginning of employment history, it’s been known that employees are mistreated. I mean look at the industrial revolution, workers had little to no protection from equipment and dangerous conditions, and kids were also pushed into working in these conditions as well. Also look towards The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, a novel written in 1906 about the poor working conditions of immigrants in the United States. In his novel, Upton writes, “If we are the greatest nation the sun ever shone upon, it would seem to be mainly because we have been able to goad our wage-earners to this pitch of frenzy.”

The mistreatment of workers has become sneaky, is it really surprising when there are constant news stories about workers unionizing or going on strike because of the treatment they receive at their place of employment? Keep an eye on what companies exactly have the most complaints, you don’t really hear of LinkedIn getting bashed for being a terrible work environment, how could they when they literally host brunches for their employees and provide them warm towels to alleviate themselves. What companies come to mind? McDonald’s? Starbucks even? These are companies that barely pay their employees a living wage. Employees who can barely make ends meet, not because they’re “lazy” but because of their own physical incapabilities and other elements that constrict them. If you didn’t get a higher education, you’re not a person in the workforce, you’re just a worker. The companies that treat their employees “best” are those that require higher levels of education, certifications, and degrees. DO NOT let these little perks distract you from how a lot of companies fail to take their employees seriously too. Sexual misconduct reports are often not taken seriously, some people are required to come into work quickly after giving birth, and in most cases, mental health and disabilities are not taken seriously and employees are overworked or pressured.

Working is not bad. Wanting to have your own income is not bad. Money is important. Not all of us can afford to just drop our jobs and reject the agenda like we wish we could. The real issue is the mistreatment of our bodies, not by us, who are trying to progress in life and get by, but by those who rope us into straining and almost damaging working conditions that do not accommodate to our personal and natural struggles. It is tiring for employees to continue unionizing and grouping up to yell out their beliefs, companies need to speak to their employees and create professional but healthy relationships. Our future generations will be messed up and those who benefit from walking all over employees will continue having all the power if this system is not changed to be more productive and beneficial for all parties involved.

…

Whoops! Time for my lunch break.

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Ableism: Capitalization on Female Bodies

In today’s age, we are very fortunate to have an abundance of technological and medical advancements available to us. These advancements have increased the quality of life of many abled and disabled people. They often make the difference between life and death. But is it possible to have too much of a good thing? Is there enough ethical intervention and regularization in utilizing these advancements?

The medical model of disability focuses on finding cures for people’s disabilities, on making them more “normal”. A common, and often devastating, disability is infertility. Infertility is when a female cannot conceive, or when a male cannot impregnate their spouse. This kind of disability is subjective because some people may not find this as an inability. Regardless, the medicalization of infertility and pregnancy complications has come up with the technology of IVF and surrogacy. Where a female egg is taken and fertilized with the desired sperm outside of the body, then implanted into another female’s uterus to be carried. Undoubtedly, this procedure has brought joy and life to many families unable to conceive. But, some able-bodied people are capitalizing and taking advantage of this advancement simply for their convenience.

Firstly, I would like to consider accommodations for disabled people. Do all accommodations meant for disabled people need to be exclusively for disabled people? This isn’t a case of taking the ramp when you’re able enough to walk up the steps. This is not a case of using the bigger stall in the bathroom when you can use the regular stalls. This is a case of medical intervention which is meant to better a disadvantaged person but is abused by abled persons. This is a case of ableism and its new rise to ethical issues.

Although, there are regulations and guidelines set for pharmaceutical medical interventions for disabilities. Such as who can get Adderal prescribed and who cannot. People who truly need their prescriptions for behavioral disorders have to be questioned and interrogated even more, due to abled people taking advantage of these drugs. Ozempic is a really big issue in the news now. Celebrities who have connections with physicians buy this drug to conveniently lose weight when millions of individuals with diabetes need this drug to survive.

Yet, for surrogacy, there doesn’t seem to be any regulation for who is qualified and who is not. It’s a trend now, as casual as a new pair of shoes. A new procedure that is crucial for some, but casual for others is being over-utilized by high-class able-bodied people to keep them from experiencing the inconveniences of pregnancy. How does this affect disabled people or women as a whole? We learned about Marx’s views of organized labor and alienation. Surrogacy is becoming like a business transaction. You pick a healthy fertile female and use her body to carry your child, which is a product the surrogate creates but is not able to obtain or enjoy. The surrogate is alienated from her product faster than any other transaction. In most cases, the surrogate births the child, and it is taken from her and given to the mother of the child lying in the hospital bed next to the surrogate. This can be a beautiful heartwarming moment for couples who truly need this. But the beauty of this miracle is taken away when infertile couples need to wait months and even years due to the high demand for this process by abled body people.

The effect of ableism causing this phenomenon will also set back feminist movements. Although, it is often celebrity figures who take on a feminist character that abuses this procedure for their convenience. But there is nothing empowering about an able-bodied female not wanting to gain weight, go through hormonal changes, or all the difficulties of pregnancy and postpartum issues. But inflicting those permanent bodily and mental changes on another female in exchange for temporary fortune, out of convenience, is and should be unethical.

Is Eating Disorder Worthy of Care?

Eating Disorder is one of the most common forms of disabilities affecting people around the world. People don’t normally tend to think eating disorder is a type of “disability”. This may make others end up thinking that eating disorder is an extreme diet, a phase, or a personal choice. Eating disorder is a serious cognitive impairment influenced by psychological, biological, and social factors that affects all body types, gender, and races. People should be more aware that eating disorder is a complex brain-based illness that can lead into more severe health problems.

People get affected biologically from genetics, dieting, and puberty. Recent studies have shown that eating disorders may be hereditary, and the individuals who have a family member with eating disorder are more likely to develop one as well.

Anxiety, depression, trauma, and stressors may cause someone to get eating disorder psychologically. It is a sad irony that the person who develops an eating disorder start with a diet because they believe that weight loss can lead them to improve self-esteem, and gain more confidence. The reality is that continuously binge eating or under-eating can cause the individual to feel out-of-control, self-doubt and gain the feeling of “I don’t fit anywhere.”

Eating disorders bring suffering not only to the people who have them, but also their friends and families. Friendships and romantic relationships can be damaged or destroyed. People with eating disorders may become more emotional and withdrawn. If the person is an athlete, the coach will be worried about their health.

If eating disorders are not stopped, it can cause physical damage and even death. Kidney damage, liver damage, destruction of teeth, and menstrual cycle, (etc.) are all type of medical risks of eating disorders.

Many people with these disorders wonder if they are “sick enough” for care and treatment, but they should know that ALL eating disorders are worthy of care.

Disability Discrimination

People with disabilities have always been discriminated against since the beginning of the human race. Some people argue that perhaps its just “survival of the fittest”. However, society’s ignorant mindset has really been the reason why disability discrimination is still prevalent today. Some things that need to change include, but are not limited to, inclusion, accommodation, and removal of social barriers.

Educational institutions and workplaces must be inclusive to disabled individuals. Public facilities need to be built with accommodations available. People with disabilities must be able to safely enter, exit, and use any public spaces. This includes bathrooms, elevators, public parking, etc. Additionally, Educational admissions should not decline students due to any sort of disabilities. Schools should provide accommodations such as additional time to complete course materials and having notetaking assistance. Employers should also not segregate job applicants with disabilities. Workplaces should provide equality and diversity training in order for all employees to recognized and understand the concept of disability discrimination. People with disabilities are often denied the right to work because of unconscious biases or lack work experience because of disability discrimination in the job market. This in turn leads to a percentage of disabled individuals to fall into the impoverished category where increased chances of discrimination occurs. Economic stability is needed for people with disabilities to access necessary resources that address their conditions.

Although there are laws implemented to protect disabled individuals like Americans with Disabilities Act, stigma against disabilities still cause people to find loopholes and not abided to those laws. Stigmatization is the root cause of disability discrimination because it makes social interactions difficult for disabled individuals. These social barriers need to be broken down. Some ways it can be removed are through advocating and educating the public. Normalizing discussion and holding people accountable will slowly dissolve disability discrimination.

Accessibility in my field

Bioinformatics is the study of biological data using computers. It is a relatively new field, and as such, it is not yet accommodating to people with disabilities. This is a problem, because bioinformatics is a field that has the potential to help people with disabilities in a number of ways.

For example, bioinformatics could be used to develop new treatments for genetic disorders. It could also be used to develop new prosthetic devices and assistive technologies. However, none of this is possible if people with disabilities are not given ample input, as studies of disabilities lead by those without them tend to be just as harmful as they are helpful.

There are a number of reasons why bioinformatics is not yet accommodating to people with disabilities. One reason is that the field is still developing, and there has been little focus on accessibility so far. Another reason is that many of the tools and technologies used in bioinformatics are not yet accessible to everyone. In my lab, if you need a left-handed/ambidextrous mouse, you would have to bring your own.

While it sometimes seems like the rapid development of new technologies seems to leave behind those with disabilities, the very same technologies can be a massive benefit to those with mental and physical disabilities. Everyone in the field of bioinformatics has at least two computers at their disposal at any given time, allowing for a nearly paperless environment, decreasing clutter, helping to keep thins from getting lost, and helping dyslexics like me spell fancy words like “beta-adrenergic receptors”. I can always doodle on my tablet and I can have alarms and reminders set for myself to keep me on schedule.

As bioinformatics is a STEM field, it requires a Bachelors at the minimum, and that’s a huge deal-breaker for a lot of people. Watching friends with autism apply to sixty plus jobs without a single call back because they don’t have a degree and struggle with the rigid constraints of higher education is painful. However bioinformatics is growing so rapidly, once you graduate, and then probably graduate two more times, you can almost certainly get a job in a field where people are generally pretty liberal and accepting. It’s painfully obvious that the higher education system is designed to keep out people with mental illnesses as well as the poor, however if you can make it past that, there’s a lot of opportunity in a field that is fairly individualistic and allows for reasonable flexibility.

I definitely think that my OCD can be a big impairment to my functioning in a lab setting, but it’s also really nice sometimes when I can focus my obsessions towards the procedures, and I can use the drive to be in control of things to control my experiments as much as possible and get good data. Also if I want I can work with computers all day. Social interaction is mostly optional outside of an academic setting, and even there as long as you give your lectures and show up for your office hours nobody really cares how social you are. There are definitely professors in the department that only show up for class and leave right after.

On Other People Being Wrong

From kindergarten to second grade I was in speech therapy. There were a lot of sounds and words I couldn’t say: R’s and Sh’s at the front of words and L’s at the end of words, to name a few.