Archive for October, 2014

The last cigarette.

January 20, 2014. One week before the spring semester started. One day after I got home from visiting my cousin Sam in Florida for a week. Go figure, the week I visited was the week after she and her boyfriend quit smoking. The funny thing was, I thought I’d quit the week after visiting, so being around them smoking wouldn’t make it more difficult for me! Anyway. I smoked a pack a day for 10 years. (more…)

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Underweight is mean you have a body mass index that is below 18.5. Many folks think being fat is a health risk, they might think being too skinny is good. But being overly skinny carries its own health risks,too.

About four years ago, I happened to have poor absorptions of nutrients. At that time, my weight was unintentionally dropping, and I was overly losing weight. I lost almost 20 pounds in just one month. In school, classmates and teachers started to give me dirty looks. Even when I go to the grocery stores with my mom, people ooked at me like I was from a differernt planet. I felt so bad. I did not try to lose any weight, and I was eating as much as I used to, since then I even tried to eat as much as I could everytime till I throw up. My family started to worry about me because I eat so much, but still did not gain any weights. They forced me to stop exercise and rest, at that time, they would just put me to bed after dinners. Finnally they took me to the doctor. The doctor said that I might suffered with an eating disorder. But after he arranged the blood test and all of those long examations for me, he told my family that I was diabetic, and I had to go on drugs to control it. Because diabetes affects the way my body uses the blood surgar, I would lose weight if my body do not get enough of suger to generate, even I might be eating as much as usual.

For most people, losing a few pounds without meaning to could be a good thing to them. But it’s important to know when unexpected weight loss is a serious cause for concern. And sometimes, unexpected weight loss can be a sign of a depressive illness, many cancer cause unintentional weight loss as well.

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In our society thin bodies are usually seen as the “best” bodies to have and the most “glamorous” even if getting these bodies results in health problems. This can especially be seen in the diet industry or in the fad diets which can be incredibly unhealthy. (more…)

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Does he like me for me or does he like me because I am fat? (more…)

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This video is one of my favorites. I believe that most people fall in love more than once in their lifetime. Some are just the “ideas” of what being in love really is… we yearn to feel accepted and crave that feeling of Love by different people.  (more…)

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Body Acceptance

“The image that concerns most people is the reflection they see in other people’s minds.”
Edward De Bono

How do we  really succeed full confidence in our bodies with society’s specific vision? This is a question I have recently been asking  myself. It is more recent because before I had never thought that I had a choice of the way my body should look. This is because growing up I had always been told what it is to be a lady and how my body should look in order to be accepted. I have always been super self conscience when it comes to my weight because in my household weight seemed to be a revisited topic. For me because I was always an “overweight” child. I usually got compared to my fit and muscular brother. He passionately played football so I was also expected to passionately play a sport. I was always strongly pushed to play a sport because of my thicker figure, with hopes I would loose weight or not gain any. I was constantly compared to my brother and what my parents and society told me was the ideal shape.

Having society’s ideal and “normal” weight always shown and told to me, it is the hardest thing to really except being different from that expectation. I have many days where I love and embrace my thick and curvier shape. Other days I constantly dwell on how I look  compared to those of the more ideal weight. Even when someone is thicker, there always is an appearance expectation. The fashion always is supposed to be kept up rather than the expectations from someone who is already at ideal shape. It is a struggle in which  I still look to accept how I feel about my body rather then persuaded by society’s perception. Is there really a full and complete way to accept our personal own body type? Even when we are up against what a body should be  and look like concerning doctors, health,and society. I always wonder will there be a body type acceptance for all.

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Throughout my twenty two years on this planet, weight and food has been a majority fixture and topic of social life. There are so many diet ads that promise the key to a happy and healthy life. They insinuate that when you lose weight, you will become a totally different person.

During my eighth grade year of middle school, I lost a lot of my baby fat and experienced just how true this insinuation was. I find it sad and shallow, that it’s true. The majority of societies really do treat you differently once you look different, in their opinion, “a good way”. As soon as I went through this transformation, everyone at my school suddenly wanted to be my friend. I do not exaggerate that over the duration of two days, half my school started adding me on xanga and tagged ( social media sites that were popular in 2005 , especially for young people). It seemed as if I had become a different person or something, because I was not only accepted into the “cool crowd”, but wanted! And I could never feel very comfortable with myself, because I could not forget the fact that  my personality had not changed, only my body. Each new “friendship” that was beginning always had a sense of fakeness; the pressure to be a certain way and act a certain way. Which just made it harder to find and create genuine connections.

I don’t feel that having a desirable body is the key to happiness, but I do believe society’s shallow behavior and actions do support and shore up the social and class roles regarding fat and beauty/happiness. Unfortunately I am quite aware that with the career path I have chosen, I will be forced to come across these ideas and views constantly. As an actor, you are required to be fit (not just for scenes, but also for the strenuous exercises and movement involved).

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I want to start off with a trigger warning: I am going to be discussing self-harm in this.


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Not long after I turned 18, I came home from class one day to find that my mom was home early from work.

I walked in the door to find that she had several bags packed in the kitchen. I asked her what was going on and I got this response:

“Honey, I got fired today. I knew there was a risk of this for a while now, but I didn’t want to worry you. I’m just going to stay at Sean’s house for a week to clear my head. I’ll be back in a week with a plan okay?”

Sean was her boyfriend that lived on the water somewhere near the Eastern Shore. He had cheated on her and broken her heart before, so I wasn’t a fan of him at all, but after watching several boyfriends leave or break her heart, and after watching her struggle constantly with online dating, who was I to stop her from being with him?

Growing up, my mom was constantly dating, and she was very open about it. My whole life had been taking care of her, because it was never in her head that she was supposed to live alone. Sure, she was incredibly strong, but she was also incredibly confused and depressed. She grew up wanting a husband and kids, and while she got the kids, she never got her perfect husband, and my sister and I had to constantly live with her disappointment. My mom went to stay with Sean, and never came back. I got a text message from her that she got married, and she made a life for herself. Since I was 18 I was technically an adult, so technically she did nothing wrong, but you don’t realize just how young you still are when you’re 18 years old.

I didn’t no how to cope with such an enormous empty feeling, so I replaced it with what I learned to do: have a lot of sex.

I went from sleeping with one person, my first love, to several people, in a span of months. It was awful. I had some really great guy friends, and when they showed interest in me, I automatically assumed I needed to sleep with them in order to receive love from them. I’d wake up in the morning feeling filthy, wrong, and quite frankly very unfamiliar with myself. Who was this person that suddenly slept with every man that moved? This wasn’t me! I put these guys before everything, including school and work, and it all came back to haunt me soon enough.

One I ruined my GPA, had no job, and lost nearly all of my guyfriends fro obtaining quite a reputation and getting heartbroken from nearly all of them, I hit rock bottom, and felt the emptiness all over again. None of this was solving any of my problems, but actually just severely avoiding them. I had to find out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.

I’ve spent this past few years really finding myself, and who I want to be. Sex is faaaarrr in the back of my mind (unless I’m watching a scene of Lord of the Rings with Aragorn), and I’ve dedicated my time to a fresh start. I transferred to UMBC, turned to therapy and acupuncture, started playing the banjo, and have been working as a barista for nearly two years.

I didn’t tell you my story to get sympathy, or to show off who I am today. I just wanted to share the difficult lesson I learned. Sex does not promote your self-esteem, and it doesn’t solve problems. Also, it’s really, really, really okay to hit rock bottom sometimes. As Kurt Vonnegut said: “I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center”

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Last week on Wednesday, there was talk that the English department puts on to showcase a professor from that department. The department choose Professor Rudacille, my English 383 (Science Writing), to present her different projects she is taking on and how they all relate to one another. So far she is writing a play that is loosely based off of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire in 1911, she is writing a piece on the mountaintop removal issue in West Virginia, and she is finishing up doing interviews of individuals of the Catholic Faith in regards more radical ideas outside of the church. It was interesting to see how all these vastly different things relate to the idea of healing.


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