what do you mean this physical reality is only temporary ?

Today I want to share the things I’ve learned about my body and what it means to be energy encased in a physical form.  Since I’ve been aware of my body and what it does and what it represents and what it means to be living in a physical body I’ve started to question why I’m living this life and what it means to be in the body that I’m in. I always question why am I here what is it  in this life that I need to for fufil to transcend into higher dimensions.

Queer Brokenness: Intersection with Mental Illness

Image Source: http://trauma.blog.yorku.ca/2015/12/south-asian-queer-community-lacks-visibility/  (Artist – Jinesh Patel)

(Content and Trigger Warning: Self Harm, Suicide, Substance Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, Bullying)

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I often find that mental illness and queerness aren’t addressed properly or constructively when talked about together. So often the public at large would have us believe that queerness is a result of mental illness or that mental illness is the result of queerness exclusively. With this in mind, the queer community will often push back on society’s behavior by talking about the two exclusively from each other, frequently ignoring all the ways mental illness intersect. That’s does not go to say that queerness is the result of mental illness or vice versa at all, but rather it shouldn’t be ignored that many people in the queer community go through both because of the way society has constructed and reacted towards queerness. For example, queerness has often been perceived as a deviant thing, it has historically been punished and worked against in a variety of ways.

Queer Identity Discovery: The Domino Effect and Queer Time

Image Source: http://www.avclub.com/article/theres-mash-rainbow-road-themes-all-8-mario-karts-206528

I’ll focus on my own experience here but I know there are going to be things about my experience that many other queer people can relate to in this regard.

My experience with queerness has never been linear, it has indeed been very queered. It has consistently involved not knowing about a way of being queer and then being introduced to the concept, a moment of reflection and then realizing “oh shit that’s me.” But I’ve also consistently struggled with coming to terms with these new labels and seeing how they fit me.

From the age of 12 to about a month away from turning 21 I had been on a journey of denial, internalization, grief over myself changing and growing, complete secrecy, exploration, etc. etc. about me being bi. I had come out after years of being afraid of myself, but in that time I also developed a yearning for community. When I came back to UMBC after two years of community college I knew that I’d want to seek out my community. Since then my reality as a queer person has shifted so greatly. I feel so liberated. Yet I grieve. I grieve for the ways I have been, not knowing if they are different than who I am now. My sense of self has been questioned. I don’t know if my new state of existing is just blurrier, or if things have just been just out of my sight this entire time and it constantly feels like both. I don’t know how consistent this person who is me is.

Bodybook™

If you spend time sifting through the hundreds of shitposting meme pages that have monopolized Facebook content, you may be able to find the occasional gem. Facebook groups have established online communities that often foster emotional support, validation, and advice from online strangers and internet friends. Many of these groups have “secret” security settings, meaning the group can only be accessed if one is personally invited, allowing for a sense of trust and community among its members. These groups exist in many different forms that fulfill a variety of purposes, one group being a place for members to share photos and stories that all pertain to their bodies.

The Ten Year Plan

It has taken me awhile to get here, but on December 22, 2016 I finally graduate with my Bachelors of Science. I always get nervous and embarrassed when someone asks me what I do, and I respond that I’m a student also working full-time. I am afraid how they will react because I have been working on this degree on-and-off for ten years.

More Asians!!!

The lack of Asian representation in media is sooooo frustrating. 

I don’t need help, I can get through it on my own. Wait, I might need help.

About two months ago I took a large step, which I never thought that I would. I finally went to my doctor’s office and asked to be prescribed medication for depression. Depression is something that I have dealt with for a long time but I have also been very against taking medication to try and help with it. Partly because being on a medication for it would make it more real and not as easy to ignore and partly because I work in a pharmacy and I see the side effects that people have to deal with and how long and how many trial and errors can happen before they find the right medication. For the past couple years, I have gone back and forth trying to decide if I should go on medication or not. When I would have good days, or even weeks I would think no way I need medication I’m fine but then the bad days and weeks would hit and I would be stuck in bed wishing that I had something to help me because I no longer can do it on my own. Finally, after discussing it with my therapist and my pharmacist I decided to take the leap and get prescribed medication. So far it has been helpful and I notice that I do not feel so down all of the time which is nice. It is not a huge change, and I’m not fully convinced that my feeling better is not just a placebo effect but I am glad that I was able to finally take this chance and really start working towards bettering myself and not just suffering through to the next day.

FORGIVE YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE YOU FORGIVE OTHERS

As the new year is approaching and my 23nd Birthday right after (whoop whoop J ) (i feel super old L)  I have been thinking about each and every experience I encountered this year, people I met, people I no longer associate with, my family, friends, my health, basically every aspect of life. I feel the older I get, the wiser I become. The more I appreciate life, those who care about me. Recently, I have been having such a hard time forgiving people who have hurt me in the past. I’m not sure what is it, sometimes I could be completely fine, thinking I’ve put it all behind me and I’m no longer stressing about it. Other times I start reminiscing and bad memories start hunting my mind, then I start to hold so much anger and I become so upset towards those people. So I started asking myself how in the world am I supposed to forgive those people when I can’t seem to forget all the bad they have done to me.

I shouldn’t have to suffer in silence

You want to know what growing up with depression taught me?

Now What?

As I prepare to graduate, I realise I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around ideas of being a graduate.