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Archive for October, 2013

I have to say, there is something incredibly inspirational about some of my classmates. A majority of them seem to be very comfortable and open with talking about bodies. It’s amazing how some people have this ability to say what they feel, and not only that, but say it in such a way that is full of sincere conviction.

This is not something I have, which is why these posts are such a nightmare for me.

I am the internalized body. I am the churning and stewing of the abstract held together in skin. I’m bad at voicing things about bodies at all. Who am I, anyhow, to even have an opinion on someone else’s body? Or to have a general thought at all? The internalized body doesn’t think this way, no, it is far more concerned with eating away at its own guilt.

The good thing about the internalized body is that it can live off its own energy. Far too concerned with the inner demands of self-regulation, constant calculation and extreme analysis, this body comes off aloof and unaware to other bodies. Unless, perhaps, this body dares to compare itself to another body leading to a subsequent re-analysis.

The internalized body is a shell that doesn’t leave room for leakage. It’s a product of its environment, no matter what the substance is inside. This body is never going to let you in on a fear or a worry. No, this body is wound snug. If one thing gets out, the mess will follow, so its better to keep it all in. This body is here to please and protect. It’s a paradox of looking the part on the outside while keeping the true body on the inside safe.

I wish I could be that true body. That fearless, open, wonderful body. I wish I could be the body that moves and shakes, dances and achieves, doesn’t aim to please and doesn’t mind to offend.

Alas, I am the internalized body. And I need to keep it all in.

 

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So if anyone has ever been to a concert or show you might be familiar with the practice of MoshingImage.

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Why is it so wrong for a body to be alone during a meal time? Why does a body have to be around other people during meals? It might seem strange but I have always enjoyed the occasional “out to eat with myself” for breakfast lunch or dinner.

One time I went to Waffle House for breakfast, since my boyfriend isn’t a morning person I decided to go alone. When I got there the perky little seventeen something hostess asked how many. I said one. Her demeanor changed from chipper to confused, to sympathetic as she led me to my corner table. As I was ordering she asked if anyone else will be eating breakfast with me for the second time I said no, just me. She asked me why go out when you are not meeting anyone. I replied “I enjoy eating by myself from time to time. Then I don’t have to worry about meaningless small talk or comfortable silences. It is some time for myself” after my  little chat with her she left me to get my pancakes I pulled out a book and started to do homework. I got my food, she refilled me coffee more times that I needed, I left her a nice tip and I left.

I don’t understand why a person needs to eat around other people all the time. It may be a pack mentality, where we need to strive for a sense of belonging as we down greasy burgers and french fries.  I have no idea why eating solo was a big deal for my waitress that day but it just got me thinking why we view someone as lonely, sad, standoffish, bitchy,or depressed when they choose to have some time for themselves.

Whew, well that felt good to vent.

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My sister is mentally retarded. I’m not sure what the ‘politically correct’ term would be for this these days. I’m pretty sure it’s “mentally handicap”. Retard literally means to slow down. At the end of the day that’s a pretty accurate description of my sister. She is 24 years old and has the mentality of a twelve year old. She isn’t stupid by any means. She just got slowed down. My 6-year-old son and she are such good friends. I fear the day he intellectually passes her.

petergriffiin

Let me explain a little more about her condition.

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I never wanted to get to this conclusion, but I kind of did! Being a leader is hard, and being a female leader is even harder! I think is important to keep in mind that this statement  and believe can be seen differently. In other hand it is really important where ( company, country) you are a leader and who are you working with. Some female might never experience this, and some might…

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Let the ugly duckling be.

Most of us have heard the story of the poor, ugly duckling that was physically and verbally abused, but later transformed into a beautiful swan and became accepted (and if you have not you can click here for a fuller summary.)  (more…)

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A conversation the other day between my boyfriend (Zach), his dad (John), and his grandfather (Pa) really struck up my curiosity about male facial hair. Being a female I don’t necessarily understand the terms that come with the whole ordeal that is facial hair. The conversation was basically John insisting that Zach needed to shave off or somehow “clean” up his beard. John does not have any facial hair, he keeps to the standard of being “clean cut.” So to him being clean is not having any facial hair at all. Pa was siding with John in that Zach needed to “get it clean.” Pa was a face full of hair. I’m of course sitting there stunned as to what all this exactly means. I’m pondering the use of double standards, why the hair needs to be “controlled”, and where all these “rules” came from. 

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