Sexism in Video Games

One of my favorite video games to play is called Valorant. Valorant is a multiplayer first person shooter (FPS) released in June 2020. It’s already become very popular for all ages. Sometimes when I play a game some of my teammates are in middle school, while others are in college or older. While there is a large age range, Valorant definitely has more male players than female players. And while I enjoy the game a lot, as a woman, it can be very toxic. Many of the male players play very competitively and have this general idea that women who play video games are naturally bad. Because of this they make it their goal to make any girl playing feel like absolute shit. 

I started playing Valorant during quarantine after seeing some of my favorite streamers play. It seemed like a fun game to play with friends, and it was not like your typical FPS where you are shooting people down in a war torn city. There are different characters, called agents, you can play that have special abilities and generally the game is very aesthetically pleasing. Prior to Valorant the only games I would play were Animal Crossing, Pokemon, Mario, Stardew Valley etc. These games are all very peaceful and not competitive at all. So when I first started playing Valorant I was awful. I was not familiar with the maps, the different agents, their powers and I had never played a FPS before. I also had no idea how toxic the Valorant community can be. My first time experiencing a few toxic players was very early on. I was placed with four other random teammates and we were losing by a lot. I was already not good at the game and I was missing almost every shot and dying early on in each round. Then I made the mistake of making a callout of where an enemy was on voice chat. As soon as my other teammates heard I was a girl, the taunts and harassment began. The first guy said “You’re a girl? So that’s why we’re losing.” Another teammate turned on their voice chat and said “Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen right now?” Every time that I made a mistake or died, one of them would make a comment taunting me. When we lost the game, they cussed me out one last time. I remember after that game I turned off my PC, took off my headphones, and cried. It already sucks when you’re playing badly, but when there are other people constantly saying awful things it makes it so much worse and tears you down mentally. And incidents like these have happened multiple times to me. Now I never use voice chat unless I know I am doing really well and I am confident the people I am playing with are not assholes. It sucks because communicating with your teammates during the game is very important and helps a lot. Instead, I have to quickly type out different callouts in the text chat. I also had to change my username from my name to something more “gender neutral.” 

I have seen a lot of video clips of women having similar experiences and feeling the exact same way. Valorant has a report system, and almost every time I have reported a teammate for bullying they have been penalized… but the punishment is only temporary and it does not help the overall problem. Despite all of the toxicity I have had to deal with, I still enjoy playing Valorant a lot. Instead of playing with random people, I have a few friends who will get on a discord call with me and we play together. I have so much more fun playing this way, especially because all of my friends play the game to actually have fun. A lot of Valorant players take the game so seriously, and it just sucks the fun out of it. I have noticed a lot more girls playing Valorant which is really exciting. I hope one day this ridiculous idea that women are bad at video games goes away. So many times my girl friends and I will outperform the men that are playing. And honestly it feels so good humbling them, maybe the next time they play with a girl they’ll shut the fuck up. 🙂

Prioritize Accessibility

Before coming to this class I had some experience with terrible accessibility. One of my best friends in high school had Multiple Sclerosis and was in a wheelchair. No one at school ever treated her differently and she was an amazing friend. But our school had terrible accessibility. We had one big elevator that she would use. That thing looked like it was 100 years old. It would squeak and the lights would flicker. Half the time it would be down and wouldn’t work. It would have so many techinal difficulties thorughout the school year. Our school had 3 levels which meant some classes were on different floors. Everyone would have to take the stairs between each class, but for my friend she would have to take the elevator which would barely work. She would have to miss classes and stay in homeroom which is totally messed up on the school’s part. It is a necessity to have accessibility that actually works and is not old as dirt. When I came to UMBC I was thinking accessibility would be better since it’s not an old high school in Delaware, but to my surprise this campus is so many stairs. My friend would not have an easy time navigating UMBC which is so sad to me everyone deserves a chance to experience college like everyone else. Colleges and all schools should prioritize accessibility and make it modern and up to date. There is no excuse for faulty elevators or anything like that. There needs to be accessible for everyone. Not one single person deserves to do something if someone else cannot. It is unfair and wrong. I personally do need accessibility, but many people do and it’s not fair for universities and public schools to overlook such a huge issue that needs to be fixed. This is a problem that needs to be fixed so we can be inclusive to everyone and let everyone have a chance to what they want.

Extinguishing Burnout

Burnout is a common experience that many college students undergo with the fluctuations in stress-levels in school. According to Merriam-Webster, burnout can be defined as “exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration”. In simpler terms, burnout is feeling an extreme amount of stress after working so hard, whether it’s physical or mental. According to the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, there is a “rising prevalence of burnout among clinicians” which can not only threaten the safety of their patients but also lead to impaired functions in physicians, leading to a deteriorating mental health. 

As a pre-med student, this is a common term that I’ve consistently heard and experienced. We work ourselves to the point of physical and mental exhaustion for the sake of a career that still results in the same outcome. But there are ways to combat burnout, one of the main ones being to take time off from working and occupy yourself with a more relaxing activity. This can be particularly difficult for someone in the healthcare field, who rarely gets time off or someone in medical school whose future depends on their performance in academics. I think the main premise I want to get across is how important it is to have mental health resources for students but also physicians, who are responsible for people’s livelihoods. There are so many measures that medical schools can take to promote mental health such as changes in the curriculum, helping to limit student loan debt, promote a positive learning environment instead of a cutthroat one, provide more services for people experiencing burnout without stigma. While our careers may be the most important goals we have at this time, our health is just as important if not more. Especially as a physician, who is responsible for the wellbeing of hundreds of patients, they should be receiving the best treatment and prevention for burnout and mental illnesses.

Source: The New York Times

Citations:

“Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s Most-Trusted Online Dictionary.” Merriam-Webster, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/. 

Grose, Jessica. “How to Avoid Burnout When You Have Little Ones.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 15 Apr. 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/article/parental-burnout-guide.html. 

Beauty is Fluid

Helen Murrin was in her early 60’s when a stranger snapped this photo without her permission. Murrin was relaxing on the beach with her husband when he asked to take a picture of her. Posing for her husband, she says she was trying to “look good” for him. Unbeknownst to them, a photographer was lurking from a distance with a long-range camera lens. This photo quickly went viral. Inspiring women of a certain age everywhere to post bikini photos. Murrin however stated she never felt comfortable in her body until she got older.

More recently actress Justin Bateman has faced online ridicule for the way she is aging. The comments have been brutal. She had admitted to making the mistake of googling herself

Bad move. Bad move.

However, Bateman has come to the conclusion. She no longer gives a damn what people think f her aging face. And has written a book about it.

If you don’t know by now, we all will change if we are lucky to live long enough.

Unrealistic images of physical beauty affect even us girls of a certain age. I know it affects me more now than it did when I was younger. How many times did I check my image before I went into my first virtual class? I aint even lying. 

 I look at Jennifer Lopez or Janet Jackson and others and think, “damn why don’t I….

No, I don’t.

 Instead, I think, “Damn I wish I had the money to afford a personal chef and personal trainer like they do.”  

They ARE beauties but even they don’t look like Jennifer Lopez and Janet Jackson when they wake up. And that’s ok. Now that’s not to say they don’t wake up beautiful. We all do.  But unfortunately for us older gals the pressure to look a certain way can be overwhelming especially when you are expected to remain forever young. I listen as I hear female friends fall into the trap.

“ Im 62 but people tell me I look 45 all the time.” My thoughts, “girl stop.” But I don’t say that. But I was thinkin  it.

“Can u guess who’s the mother and who’s the daughter.” 

Me with my RBF, “Why?” But I don’t say that. But I was thinkin it.

Or 

50 is the new 30. 

BULLSHIT!

50 is just…50! And it’s fabulous no matter how many wrinkles you have. How many stretch marks you have or dont have and regardless of your weight. The Fabulousness of 50 is how you live your life…full.

My personal favorite. (side-eye)

When 20 somethings make comments about another woman’s age or looks. We girls of a certain age are jealous of their youth.

No BITCH!Been there. Done it. Good luck with your next 300 periods, 3 roommates, and high-ass car insurance.

YES, It would do us well as a society if we stopped commenting on changing physical appearances.

Stop placing unrealistic expectations on what we should all look like.

Accept that beauty is all shapes, sizes, genders, and ageless. 

WE ALL change. And change isn’t necessarily bad.

Hey, my ass is wayyy bigger than it use to be. My thighs ughhh and my quarantine 15 quickly became a quarantine 25, but who’s counting right. 

But after 5 babies I can say with a smile on my face, I still have some nice boobs!

You’ll never be enough

Photo by Lisa on Pexels.com

I used to love my hometown. I loved everything about it as a child! My neighborhood was so children centered.. always doing things for the kids. It wasn’t until I got older and started really paying attention that I realized where I live is kind of a messed up place..

One thing in particular that really needs to change is the stress that is put on children/teens. From the time these children are 4 years old they’re expected to be the best at sports, the smartest in preschool and all around be the most successful. Yup.. the most successful at 4 years old. I never really saw it like this when I was young because my parents wouldn’t dream of raising me this way. Long story short- there is truly a suicide epidemic in my hometown. I could name 10 people I have personally known that have committed suicide in the last 8 years, from my high school alone. The parents around here don’t care, the schools don’t care. A 16 year old took her life around 8 months ago. And someone had the nerve to say, “just get on medicine, how are you that sad?” 

WHAT????

Where are people supposed to turn? If you aren’t apart of a picture perfect family around here then you might as well not exist. The pressure and stress put on kids, especially high schoolers is like nothing I’ve seen. High school isn’t supposed to be like that!!!!! No one is there for you, not even your parents. It’s all a competition to these people, and it’s so so sad to see now that I’m older. 

I work with the absolute sweetest girl, we’ll call her K. She breaks my heart everyday because high school has destroyed her mental health. All her parents care about is her getting into a prestigious college like her sisters. They don’t listen to her cries for help and it’s honestly one of the most horrible things I’ve ever seen. This is just one of wayyyy too many examples that happen everyday. I wish I could hug every single person in high school, because I know I needed it. 

This post was hectic! It’s just something that hurts my heart and I’m sure others can relate. 

WiFeY mAtErIaL

I had a really uncomfortable realization of my own internalized misogyny the other day. I’m happy that it came up, it gave me the opportunity to address it and change the way I think about things, but damn was that a shitty thought.

link to the pic: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/what-actually-means-wifey-material

Rethinking Accessibility: On My Own This Time. (also brief recap of GWST 345.)

Prior to reading the chapter readings and completing the assignments about accessibility, it was never something that crossed my mind very often. I mean with a mom with Multiple Sclerosis who will end up in a wheel chair some day, I told myself it’s probably something I should educate myself in. This biggest takeaway I have from these readings and also the further research I did is that accessibility is never a problem until it’s happening to you. Sure I can say that as an individual who can walk without assistance, not have to worry about money, and am not held back in society in any way that I believe we need to change. But as many of you reading this probably think, oh she’s just saying that to fit 300 words in for this blog post but the point is that, that isn’t the truth.

This topic is something has began to become a pretty sensitive topic for me. It took me a good while to try and understand the severity of accessibility and its limitations, but I found a way and it’s opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking.

Growing up my mom and I always were shopping. It could be the middle of a blizzard and we were up and out early on Saturdays to go shop our whole entire day away. My moms absolute favorite place to shop is a strip of boutiques in a little town in North Carolina. I know this might seem like I am getting off track, which I very likely may be because finals are coming and I am stressed, but this story comes full circle. This little boutique strip is on the top of a huge hill and looking back now, it has no other way of getting to the top other than walking up a huge set of stairs.

The idea that one day when my moms MS gets to later stages she may not be able to go shop at her favorite shopping place because she will be in a wheelchair, breaks my heart. I know this is something that may seem so small compared to other accessibility issues, but this is what opens my eyes and makes me realize how many individuals lives are affected because of accessibility issues.

Throughout this class I have learned and been exposed to so many new topics and problems in society that it is crazy. I originally took this class for credits and honestly did not believe I was going to enjoy it in any way shape or form. I am very glad I was wrong because accessibility is just a small sliver of what we covered and I could type for hours about the countless information I have retained from this class.

I can safely say I feel a lot less ignorant to our society after taking this course and have been completely convinced to start doing everything I can, even though it may be very small, to make changes because for me some of these topics become very personal.

What I’ll Take With Me…

Over the course of the semester I’ve gained several new viewpoints. This class has really given me valuable information, that as 21 years old it’s sad I didn’t know about. Why don’t we learn about invisible disabilities in high school? Why didn’t we learn about Crip Camp in history? To me that seems like a major historical event…. The history of women regarding their bodies, labor, reproduction, was never talked about.

There are so many topics touched on in this class that should have been taught in middle/high school. When I tell people (who have never been in one) that I am in a gender studies class they assume it’s easy. Or that it’s just a filler elective and they don’t really understand what we cover. This class and these topics are things everyone should know about. The fact that some of these topics are brand new is depressing.

I feel like this class has given me a better idea of what people go through. It only reiterates the idea that you never know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. Also, the importance of awareness, open-mindedness, and kindness. We’re all from different backgrounds and taught different things and that’s ok. We just have to be willing to listen to each other and learn so we can do better.

How my Parent’s Separation Impacted my Body

https://www.deseret.com/2016/12/28/20603032/what-the-research-says-on-parenting-after-divorce

My early years of elementary school were filled with many happy childhood memories with family and friends, but they also reflect a pretty dark and challenging period of my life. When I was seven years old, I got some of the most shocking news of my life at the time. My parents sat me down and had to explain to their little girl that they were no longer going to live with each other… they were going to be seeking a separation. At such a young age, I felt helpless as I did not understand why this was happening. After that conversation I had to observe over a period of time my dad slowly move his things out of our house and into his new apartment. During this period, I especially felt lonely considering my two older brothers were moved out by this point and therefore I was the main one that felt the brunt of the impact. My new normal was staying primarily with my mom during the week and going to my dad’s every other weekend. Although my parents were always respectful of each other during this difficult time and always stressed their love and support for me in which I still continued a happy and healthy childhood, the impact of their separation took a negative toll on my physical health.

I started suffering extreme separation anxiety in a way I never experienced before, however, I never knew how to really cope with the separation so my emotions would bottle up and instead impact my body. The biggest symptom I experienced were two types of stomach problems, the most dangerous being purging. I went through a phase in which my anxiety got to the point that I was unable to swallow, like it literally scared me to swallow food, I physically could not do it. It was like I had fears of choking or something. Instead I would find myself chewing my food but instead of swallowing it, I would either spit it into a napkin or into the toilet. I went what seems like a long time without being caught however, I still remember vividly the day my mom caught me. We had gone out to Applebees after she picked me up from daycare as a special treat and I ordered my favorite, chicken tenders and fries. Not long into our meal she noticed me using multiple napkins and balling them up as if I was hiding something. When she noticed what I was doing, we immediately headed home and she called my dad. What a stressful night. Soon after, I was visiting doctors left and right to see what was wrong until I finally received a diagnosis… acid reflux. It sounded good at the time but between you and me as I reflect now, I think my issue was a cry for help or seeking attention during such a difficult time. I was placed on medicine and eventually (although it took some time) I was comfortable eating again. However, although purging was no longer a problem for me, the anxieties from it still lingered in that I still have anxiety eating in front of people because sometimes for sake of comfortability I have to eat slower. So, when I eat with people and they finish first it is extremely uncomfortable as I feel like now, I’m being judged and stared at.

Luckily by the time I was nine my parents reunited and have been happily married since, however I found myself still suffering from the trauma of their separation. Although I was no longer purging, a new stomach problem emerged which stemmed from separation anxiety. No longer was I just experiencing separation anxiety of when I was with one parent and not the other, but it extended to other family and friends closest to me. I never wanted to leave my parents as I always had the constant fear of them separating again or even worse while I was gone. My best friend who I had literally gone to Puerto with for two weeks the summer prior to their separation and had no issues, I was no longer able to even sleepover one night at her house. There were multiple times that my mom had to pick me up from her house or somewhere we were hanging out because anxiety would consume me until the point that I had terrible stomachaches. My symptoms were still being blamed on my acid reflux diagnosis however, as I sit here at almost 22 years old, I have a better understanding of my body and recognize the true toll stress and anxiety have on me.

Excerpts from my investigation into disability on campus

The following is a series of excerpts for an article that I wrote for The Retriever that was published on Wednesday. (Below is from my original draft, some changes have been made in the final version for newspaper formatting.) If these tidbits interest you, you can find the whole article in print on campus now!

UMBC, I have a challenge for you.

Administration, Student Disability Services, and Facilities all tout the campus accessible routes map as the end-all, be-all solution for disabled students navigating campus. My challenge for you is this:

Make your way to the stadium lot, and then walk to the Fine Arts Building using only routes labeled as accessible. You are not allowed to use stairs, though you may use the short cuts available through buildings via elevators.  (The elevator short cuts are labeled on the map below.) For extra credit, start at the top of the hill near the Walker Apartments and go to the library.

I have marked the destinations for you below. The full map is available here: https://about.umbc.edu/files/2021/09/2021-UMBC-accessible-routes-map.pdf

While you are walking, focus in on your body. Ask yourself: What would this walk be like if my calves were screaming in pain? What if I struggled with balance and were prone to tripping on uneven surfaces and could fall?  What if I were using a walker right now? What about a non-motorized wheelchair?

What about crutches, or a lower-limb cast? When you arrive at your destination, take a note of the time. How long did it take you compared to using the stairs? Did you have to use a new route compared to your ordinary routine?

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It was disclosed to me by several students that after they met all of the (stringent and privilege-laden) requirements to receive an accommodation appointment with SDS, they are told they will be unable to get the accommodations they need. In addition, it has also been reported to me that these meetings are often negative in nature with the student seeking accommodations being met with derision and/or hostility for their accommodation requests. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, reported being “refused note-taking assistance because they needed to ‘learn how to take notes themselves,’” as well as being refused alternative text formatting as that is up to the teacher and “they cannot do anything about it.” The student accurately pointed out that both of these accommodations are among the published list on the SDS website. Another anonymous student trying to receive accommodations was told, “I know migraines can hurt sometimes but that doesn’t mean you can miss class.”

Many of the interactions that were shared with me have a common thread that is heard all too often by the disabled community: “You’re just not trying hard enough” or “It can’t be that bad”. The implications that we are lazy, that we haven’t developed strategies to succeed in our classes, or that we are somehow exaggerating our health problems are not only outdated ways of thinking about disability but are also extremely harmful.  The reality of our lives is that it frequently is “that bad,” and that we wouldn’t be asking UMBC for help if we hadn’t already exhausted all of the resources available to us as individuals.  To hear these words from the people put in place to help us succeed is equivalent to lifting us up only to kick us back down. UMBC is not the only institution in Maryland struggling with this problem, as this article (https://www.jhunewsletter.com/article/2021/08/disability-isnt-taken-seriously- at-hopkins) written by a graduate student at Johns Hopkins details out. Laurel Maury was awarded accommodations by JHU but found that her professors refused to use them (even under threat of legal action) and some went as far as to bully her for having them. Maury’s struggle echoes many of the sentiments that have been expressed to me by current UMBC students.

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To my fellow disabled students: You are not alone, you have a voice, and your voice deserves to be heard.