When I think about my body right now, my first thought would be about my mental health. I have been on and off different antidepressants and ADHD medicines for the last few years. I use them to treat my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (Inattentive type). My meds make feel all types of things and sometimes those things cause me to make the rash decision to go off them.
Almost a year ago I decided abruptly to go off my SSRI’s which had been treating my OCD and GAD. SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. These medications work to treat anxiety and depression by increasing the amount of serotonin available in the brain. I have a love/hate (mostly love) relationship with a specific SSRI I have been taking on and off for 3 years. Last year when I went off it, I did it because I felt so good, I thought I did not need medication anymore. It was the most awful time dealing with the withdrawal and then dealing with anxiety all on my own for almost a year. However, I did find that I am able to survive without the meds which is why I stopped taking them. But living is soooo much easier with the meds. While I was off them, I ended up losing 20 pounds but, in the meantime, I had to work harder to deal with anxiety my disorders and had lots of trouble sleeping. I even began to fear sleeping and would stay awake as much as possible.
A year later and I decided to stop fighting treatment which is a fight that has been ongoing since I was 10. Now that I am back on my meds my mind is the most at peace it has been in months. But so is my body. I feel relaxed. I can sleep. I missed sleep so much. But I am eating quite a bit and I have already gained some weight back. I have decided though that the weight gain is worth getting that extra bit of help with my anxiety. I hope I can find a way to coexist peacefully with my meds so that I will not quit them so often.
Unruly Bodies 
I am also on medication for my GAD so I fully relate to the experience of being on them. I got on them 2.5 years ago and have never been off them (unless I forget them one day). Whenever I miss a day I feel absolutely miserable and groggy the next day. However, since I have less physical symptoms of anxiety, I do wonder what it would be like for me to go off my pills. That is a debate I have had with myself, but it is really scary since I would be getting to know a different me. I think it is really brave of you to try it and it shows your dedication at striving to be your best self. I remember when I first got on my meds my doctor was concerned about me gaining a lot of weight because I would suddenly be feeling better and less anxious. However, when I feel anxious I eat, unlike the stereotype of not eating. I don’t know if I can account my weight gain to college or anxiety, it is harder for me to tell. I wish you luck with your meds!!
I didn’t know other people on meds debating about continuing treatment so much. I feel good knowing people can relate. But it makes me wonder what it is about our treatment that makes us want to quit every now and then. I’m sure in the end you will figure out what works best for you. I wish you much luck on your med journey and no matter what weight you are just remember you look great!
Thank you for sharing your story. I was on antidepressants for a while to treat my depression and I went through such a similar situation. I decided one day to just stop. I never wanted to start on the medication in the first place because I didn’t want something else controlling me. I didn’t want to be dependent on them. Eventually I reasoned it out with myself after hitting rock bottom and said “I have a chemical imbalance. I need help.” I found a psychologist and started on the meds. They helped. I felt better than ever. So I stopped. Luckily, I had no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever, but after a while I noticed how hard it was getting again. So I stared back up again. Now, like you, I am so much better. It was nice to hear a story like mine. Somehow I feel less alone in the whole meds journey. Congrats on finding what is best for you and being happy with where you are. That is so important. Keep powering through! You got this!
Thank you for listening to my story. Treating mental illness is so hard. Once you feel good again on the meds you think its okay to stop and then you realize how much they were really helping. Deep down I wish I could just handle it on my own. Coming to terms with the fact that my generalized anxiety and OCD are chronic issues that have been effecting me most of my life and probably will continue to do so has helped to stop rejecting meds so much. I am glad you had no withdrawal I really felt like I was dying during mine and because of that I never wanted to start meds again yet here I am haha.
Thank you for this! Happy that you’re sleeping again!! I myself am on a few mood stabilizers and I have seen the damage it causes when I don’t take them. My last stretch of “forgetting” scarred me that I havent missed a day since. I think also with medication, no one talks about the uncertainty such as the different combos and interactions, the changes in dosing, the side effects; there are so many compounding factors and borderline infinite possibilities. One I always wrestled with was “I feel good on these medications, but what if that dosage increase/a different combo would help more?” I love who I am on my current meds but that doubt of “what if something else could work better?” still sits with me. I wonder if anyone else wrestles with this!
I feel this so heavy right now. I’m just back on the ones I was on before. They work fine. But I am wondering if I should try something else. There are still a few very well recognized SSRI’s I haven’t tried yet. I like familiarity though and I don’t know when I would switch if I ever did.
Although I am not on meds myself, I have many friends that are. Hearing them speak about the upsides and downsides is eye opening to someone like myself. Some so much better when they are on their meds but feel like because they are taking them that they are not themselves. One of my friends did as you described, they stopped taking their meds for an entire summer to experience what life was like without them. They too felt the symptoms of withdrawal at first but learned that they could operate without them. I’m so happy that they had this experience but am even more happy that they decided to go back on them. They struggled and had to try a lot harder to maintain themselves while off their meds. They realized that them on their meds is still them.
I really appreciate this comment especially that last sentence. A lot of times neurodivergent and mentally ill people are afraid they won’t be themselves on meds anymore. But think of who we could be on the meds. Surely it may be a different version of us. But its still us.