2016 has been very hellish for me. There has been a ton of loss. I have dealt with a new kind of loss; the loss of a person who is still alive. In March I went through a very ugly break-up. One which I never thought I would recover from; one I am still trying to recover from.
My whole world shattered right before my eyes. I have never felt so alone, so broken. I really thought that this person was my person, my soul mate, my ride-or-die life partner. We complemented each other in many ways. So many of our friends and family would constantly tell us how perfect we were. We were mature enough to realize that we were anything but perfect, but we worked. We just clicked. And then in March everything changed. He changed. And I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I still cry as I am writing this; as though I am reliving this hell over and over again, which I often do. Everyone says that time heals everything; that in time things will get better and I ‘ll start to feel better. This hasn’t really happened for me…yet. Everyday is a constant struggle. My ex is the first person on my mind in the morning and the last person on my mind before I try to get some sleep. It’s been a long time since our ending, but it still hurts; maybe not as bad as it once did, but the lingering reminder of loneliness and heartache still presents itself regularly.
This whole dating world scares me. We are living in the age of tinder, bumble, social media that is often superficial and false advertisements of people and relationships. I do not like the way people “date” now. Where has all the love gone? Where has the excitement of wooing another disappeared to? These days it’s all about casual sex and polyamorous relationships. So many are afraid to establish serious connections; so many are afraid to feel and expose themselves. I’ve been on multiple dates and found them all lacking in some way, and it terrifies me. The prospect that I may never find another love like the one I had before is disheartening. I don’t want to be alone forever, but if that were to be my future I’d survive. And maybe I am worrying for nothing and maybe everything will be fine. And I know that many of you have experienced heartache and know how it feels to fear the unknown, and know how it feels to be lonely. I hope that 2017 brings me happiness; I hope it brings everyone happiness and closure. I hope for those of you out there to never stop being a hopeless romantic, never stop loving too much. For it is so much better to feel something than to feel nothing at all. Don’t ever settle, and fight for what you believe in. Much happiness and love to you all.