tw: eating disorders, body image
Having an “unruly body” is hard, especially when an eating disorder requires a severe amount of control of the body.
There is no one way to have an eating disorder and the experience is entirely awful, but when I was in the grips of anorexia I had this very rigid idea of what the right way to eat and look was. And even after recovery, that idea has been really hard to kick. My lowest weight was 92 pounds when I was 15, and even then that felt like a lot to me. It’s true that once you’ve become addicted to losing weight, you never reach a point where you’re satisfied. I forced myself to eat more when I finally acknowledged that I couldn’t just not get my period (I went 8 months without having one) and would cry when I saw babies in television ads because I was afraid I’d never be able to have kids when I was older. My fear of long-term health effects outweighed my desire to shrink down to nothing, so I let myself gain some weight. I never went through any formal kind of recovery, and since that time in my life I have gone through phases where I restrict and phases where I have no control. My weight has fluctuated a lot because of it, and any sense of confidence or self-esteem that I have fluctuates with it. When I’m gaining weight I don’t even want to leave my room, and when I’m losing weight I want everyone to see me. I’m proud of myself when I’m losing weight, like it’s some kind of accomplishment.
I recognize that these thoughts and behaviors aren’t healthy but I’ve been this way for so long that I don’t know how else to think. I am obsessed with controlling my body and when I can’t control it it seems like I lose control of everything. I really, really want to love my body and I have made progress but it still feels like there’s a part of me that will always desire to be thin. My body’s resistance to control is often frustrating, but in a way it’s also a source of hope that my body can recover from what I’ve put it through. I’ve survived and bloomed since my lowest points, I’m thankful that I get more than one chance to treat my body right.
Unruly Bodies 
Good luck with your recovery. I hope you can reach a point where you can enjoy life without even having to think about your body. It sounds like you have come a long way so keep strong. Wishing you all the best.
Hi there – thanks for sharing your story. Personally, I think you should be proud of yourself for even having the bravery to admit that you have these issues, not to mention confronting them the way you have. Admittedly, I’ve gone through several periods in my life where I struggled with weight a great deal. One thing I would do was compulsively check the number on the scale to make sure that I was not too far above a certain weight. More recently, I’ve found that by exercising in moderation and eating healthier foods whenever I can has really helped me take my mind off my weight and focus on my overall sense of “wellness.” In any case, I don’t know what exactly you’re doing to regulate your weight currently, but I definitely feel like you shouldn’t be ashamed to like the feeling of “control” over your body. You are certainly not alone.
Thank you for sharing. I can really relate to the idea that losing weight is a control thing. Whenever my world gets crazy and I feel out of control, I tend to focus on my body because it is something I can personally have a say in. I hope you keep finding strength and peace with your weight. It really is just a number. People will love you regardless of what that number is.
You’re not alone with this. I too struggled with an eating disorder my first two years of high school. Whenever I looked in the mirror I was never satisfied with the body that was staring back at me. I would refuse to eat, or eat very little to the point where my body was physically ill. My parents would force me to eat everything on my plate at dinner time and noticed that I was losing an unhealthy amount of weight. I can’t remember when I realized what I was doing to my body, but one day I just stopped. It’s not about the numbers on a scale, it’s about how you feel on the inside. I know that body image will be a continuous struggle for most of us, but I’m convinced that one day we’ll find peace with our bodies.
Thank you for sharing this piece! It must have taken a lot of courage and strength. I really appreciate your bravery in sharing your story.
I struggled with an ED myself so I definitely get where you’re coming from. Recovery is always a process and at days it seems as if it’s never ending; hopefully you will heal and be able to whole heartedly love yourself. Admittedly this is something I still struggle with, especially as a girl in recovery. Maybe because I’m still suffering (is suffering even a right word to use in this case?) the after effects of my issues but at the same time, I’m thankful I’m in the stages of healing and I’m glad you are too 😊