I feel as though every time I think I figured out who I am, someone else’s opinion interferes; thus leading me to think “oh I might be that too?” Others opinions matter to me so much that sometimes I feel like my own thoughts of myself are pushed aside. I always say “your opinion doesn’t matter,” but in reality it does. I think most of us use that phrase as a guard to show that little things don’t bother us.
After my first hookup (just kissing) with a girl I began to question my sexuality. It’s so funny to me how up until that day looking at girls as more than friends never crossed my mind. When I finally worked up the courage to speak to my close friends about it, some of them would say you’re not “gay” or “bi,” you just like kissing period. It’s amazing how someone else can tell you “who you are,” what you’re “labeled” as. I realize that in life we don’t have to go by a label, but I am the type of person that needs to know exactly what I am, am I a straight girl that likes kissing girls or am I full on bisexual. Such questions constantly run through my mind.
The biggest problem with me is I will constantly seek help through my brother or close friends, it’s like I need them to tell me what I am in order to feel whole. I shouldn’t have to do that right? I should be able to say what I am and be satisfied, then why can’t I? Maybe it is my constant search for approval and liking, if I’m bisexual will my friends still treat me the same? Or will they act differently towards me? Will people still like me or begin to distant themselves from me? There are so many possibilities that come with labeling my sexuality that it honestly frightens me. It frightens me to figure out who I really am, what do I want and who I want to be.
To be honest, it was not until today (10/15/15) that I was really able to have more assurance towards what my sexuality is. This was the day I realized that I was able to feel for a girl emotionally and physically. There is a girl in my class, who I find strikingly beautiful and superbly intelligent, I get butterflies every time I see her. The fact that I cannot even work up the words or confidence to say anything to her is mind blowing, especially when I am the type of girl who can flirt and be bold with any boy. I have not looked for approval or questions through my best friends or brother, instead I simply just told them that I am bisexual. It feels good to say what you are without others opinion or approval. The only approval I need is me, myself and I. As one of my favorite musical artists Kehlani said “You fall in love with a person’s mind, you fall in love with a person’s soul, not with whatever’s down there” (Kehlani).