“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
― Stephen Fry
Every night I lay in bed and my mind begins to go wild. I have a vivid imagination and sometimes a cruel conscious. Usually these thoughts consist of thinking how I can improve myself and how I’ve failed many times to meet those so-called “goals”. I was depressed most of my life, constantly thinking how I could change every aspect to relate to the “norms” that society has implemented. At the same time, trying to convince myself that society is wrong and that I shouldn’t have to live up to it. But I will tell you it’s really damn hard when there is a constant reminder of how you should feel based on what you look like.
Our bodies are ever-changing, they are unique in many ways and the same in others. Some people call them the vessels and temples that we use in this life, and we go on to say that we must “take care” of them. What does this even mean? Does it mean that we must all be skinny or fit, that we must all have luscious long legs, a slim waist, an overall perfect figure? What is perfection?
These are questions that a lot of us asks ourselves and they are usually kept quiet within the four walls thats surround us.
I am not trying to come off as someone who hates themselves, or someone who feels like they’ve failed in life. In fact I am really proud of myself and sometimes put myself on a pedestal as a reminder that I am worth the life I’ve been given. Looking into the mirror in the past has set off emotions that I could not bare. Sleepless nights with my pillow drenched in my tears feeling hopeless to the point of surrender. I’ve caved many times to our faulty society. Being a stigma is harsh, but not living at all 
is worst. The mirror is society and I am the object it perceives. To me that reflection knows little of who I am and little of who I will become. As cruel as society has been to me, I’ve learned to take matters into my own hands and teach myself that my life is my own. Any changes I make to my body is changes I’ve made to my mind and in return changes I’ve made to my life.
If I were to change into the person I imagined in my late night thoughts, would I be conforming to society?
Unruly Bodies 
I really love your insight in this blog. Your analogy to society being a mirror is definitely how I look at it. As a society there has been these “rules” set up of how people are supposed to look and what exactly is the perfect look. As humans in this society we almost can’t help being concerned with if we are the “look” or not. I too have had sleepless and teary nights. Too busy dwelling on my body and if it is right for society. I have really been working on complete confidence with myself and to say the hell with what society says.
Wow I relate to everything you wrote in this blog! I also think that this is something that many people in our society struggle with as well. I look at society as a mirror myself as well. I constantly think about the things that I could change about myself in order to fit in with society’s “norms” but it something that always changes for me because society is always changing. What were normally deemed as “taboos” are now becoming “norms”. It is a daily battle to try to convince yourself that society isn’t always right and that you don’t have to live up to every aspect of society’s “norms”. Like you I have also struggled with my body and how it is perceived by others and society. It’s very difficult because we are constantly told what we should look like how we should strive to look a certain way. I also think that our society focuses too much on how our bodies look on the outside than focusing on whats going on inside the body.