Navigating Boundaries

There really isn’t any other way to say it, so I’m just going to say it. I like physical contact…a lot.

I don’t even mean sexual contact. I mean the most basic skin to skin, body to body contact there is. A hug, a handshake, a high five.

I like it when my arms brush against strangers on the street. I love it when my relatives hug me or when a friend comforts me with back rub. I like long embraces and holding hands. I love getting my hair cut at a salon because my hairdresser rubs my scalp with his fingertips. I save up money every semester for a massage at a spa. I feel happy when my yoga teacher touches me to adjust my pose during a class. One of my favorite people to greet is a friend of mine who always gives me a back cracking hug, long and strong as if he hasn’t seen me in years. I love cats and dogs because they’re often affectionate; they want me to pet them, hold them, scratch them behind their ears.

I honestly don’t know what it is about physical contact that I adore so much. There is something about my body coming in contact with another body that makes me feel happy and alive. I spend so much time in my own head and in my own body; thinking too much or being hyper aware of how I feel in my skin or in my clothes. Sometimes physical contact with another person is not only a comfort but a huge relief. I feel outside of myself with a long embrace, outside of my body and outside of my head. Sometimes I get so caught up in the “what used to be” and the “what could have been” or the “what could be” that all I need is to bump into someone to bring me back to the present. When my skin touches another person’s it feels like a connection, no matter how big or how small it is still a connection. A good hug says more than my words could ever express.

I feel deeply loved by my family and friends with a thoughtful embrace. I feel closest to my boyfriend when we cuddle and caress each other. I feel a small connection when I meet someone and shake their hand, it’s like we’re both saying “Hi! We are here!”

I am loving and friendly. I come from an extremely affectionate Latin family. At my family reunions everyone hugs and kisses each other, personal space doesn’t really exist.

Physical contact is important to me; I believe it is healthy for my romantic relationship as well as the relationships I have with other people I care about.

Yet there are certainly times when I do NOT want to be touched by someone, and over the years I have come to realize that my nonchalant physical affection, or even my desire for physical contact, has and will continue to violate physical boundaries or give people the wrong impression.

Sometimes I cross lines, and by that I mean that I have crossed many lines.

Sometimes my hugs are unwanted and too long, or my handshakes too strong. I know what it’s like to give someone a friendly hug and feel them stiffen or not hug back. Sometimes I stand too close to someone when I talk to them. Other times a pat on the back for a little encouragement is not welcome. I have given people the wrong impression by putting my head on their shoulder or by linking my arms with theirs as we walk down the street.

This is something I am trying to be careful about. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and I really hope that I have never made anyone feel unsafe.

Over the years I have gone from “What?! What do you mean you don’t want a hug?!” to “How do I go about being respectful of people’s boundaries, while still being myself?”

Now I make more of an effort to read body language. I ask more questions. “Do you need/want a hug?” has come out of my mouth more times than I can count. As much as I like physical contact it is not just about me and my wants or needs. It is about all of us. Things as “small” as a handshake should always be mutual and personal space should always be respected.

I am slowly (but surely) figuring out how to navigate boundaries.