As I scroll through the endless stream of photos on the internet – mainly my tumblr – I can’t help but be overwhelmed by how many adorable queer folks there are. With amazing haircuts, clothing, artwork, music, everything. Babes all on the internet with super cute selfies, what more could one want?
Only as I as I spend more time seeing these images, I become aware of a question that always seems to be lingering in the back of my mind when it comes to my sexuality.
Am I queer enough?
A girl I was in a relationship with told me that at first she didn’t read me as queer.
I flew under her radar. A talent? Hashtag femme probz?
Maybe I am just not queer enough.
Until recently I have had a confusing relationship with my sexuality, I assumed I was straight because that is what I was supposed to do – even though I have had plenty of crushes on girls growing up. Now I have a word for it and an extremely supportive network of friends and support.
However I still hear:
Maybe it’s just a phase.
Well how gay are you?
…You’re not straight?
Of course, as I type these words I realize that one cannot level how ‘queer’ they are. But without fail it seems that when I start crushing on a girl, in addition to the normal “oh god I am totally not cool enough to be talking to this person” I also have this fear that I am not queer enough for them. That they don’t read me as queer. That I don’t look queer.
As these things dig deeper into my mind, I start to question what being queer means. Does that mean I have to look and act a certain way? How does one look queer or straight?
I am raising more questions than I am answering. I know that a lot of my assumptions of what a straight or queer person is ‘supposed’ to look like comes from media and stereotypes, and even though I am aware of where stereotypes come from, I still am amazed at how deeply they are ingrained. I look like a queer person because I am queer. It should be that simple, but it isn’t.
When I grow my hair out, does that make me less of a queer? If I am in a relationship with a cis man, does that mean I lose my queer card?
What is it about me that when some people look at me don’t realize or ‘read’ me as queer? Is it because I don’t fit into that narrow definition of what a ‘proper queer person’ is supposed to look like. (Aside from being white, I have that down.) Is it because I am too feminine, not androgynous enough? But then why is androgyny linked with masculinity? (Duh silly, masculine/male is the norm.)
This was supposed to be something to help me sort out my thoughts about it, but I haven’t done a very good job. I think because I am still uncertain if being queer has changed who I am, or if I just have a word for who I’ve been?
(Ah, Queer Theory – being and becoming, performativity. I need to reread some Judith Butler)
This cover.
I can relate to this on a very high level. What most people see as queer is what you described with the haircuts, and makeup, and clothing so when they see someone who doesn’t look like what they think queer should look like they find it hard to perceive that person as queer. And this probably affects the way a queer person may look at them-self, when they’re not the “normal” type of queer. I used to have this fear too, whenever I was attracted to a girl I’d worry if I were queer enough for her and whenever I was attracted to a guy I’d worry if people would see me as something I didn’t identify as.
This this this this!!
I understand completely what you’re saying here, and I sympathize wholeheartedly. I identify as genderqueer, and every time I look in a mirror or have to choose which bathroom to use I have to ask myself, do I look queer enough today for this? Will I be read the way I want to be read? Do I know what to do to be appropriately queer?
It’s extremely stressful, especially since there doesn’t seem to be a clear solution. If you find the magic queer formula, please let me know.
That title.
I feel like… when I started ascribing to the queer sexuality label, I liked it because it fit my fluid attraction to anyone and everyone. But I also liked the fashion of the word. I want to be a person with a “q” sexuality, how weird is that?
(I was not finished but my comment posted itself when I did something with my hands to the keyboard. Unruly body.)
I wanted to be queer, because I wanted to take up the identity and make it my own, because I knew it was something that had been negative. Queer also comes with that tumblr tag attached to it–the willowy, petite androgynous (and you’re too right in androgyny, read masculine) kid with the skinny jeans and the baggy shirt and the snapback. I wanted the body for queer, and the hair for queer, and the face for queer. Queer is often something beyond the sexual identity; which is fine, until it gets to that body ideal I can never attain (and shouldn’t have to), or that sexy asymmetrical shaved head thing (that i don’t think I ever really want for my hair). Sexuality-wise queer certainly describes me, but I want it to be me, and that sucks.
I totally feel you with this post, my friend, and i have no real insight to offer other than commiseration. Although, i guess we could get some shirts that say, “No, but for real, I’m queer.”
This article is absolute perfection. The title. The content. The pictures. All of it.
Alright, enough kissing up to the author. In my hair post, I talked a little bit about femme invisibility and how I hoped to be read as queer once I cut my hair short. Well, it worked. I nearly keeled over one day at my internship when the recently hired dapper babe gave me the infamous “dyke nod.” Since I had never received one of these fabled forms of acknowledgement, I was ecstatic.
A couple weeks after I changed my ‘do, I noticed that something didn’t feel right when I put on a super-tight bodycon dress that I felt bangin’ in a couple days before. This only happened on some days, which I thought was odd. Eventually, my anxiety over my gender presentation escalated so quickly that in a manner of days, I didn’t want to go to school or be in public because my clothes didn’t communicate the masculinity I felt that day. I felt like crying every time someone looked at me and avoided all chances to speak up in class because I didn’t want anyone to see the false image that I was portraying that day. I poured out all these feelings to my best friend, who made me skip my ballroom dancing lessons on my worst night to go shopping for guy’s clothes with her. As her face brightened every time I stepped out from the dressing room, my spirits lifted a little higher.
Now, my gender presentation-based anxiety has been eased ever so slightly, only because this worry has carried over into my more feminine-presenting days as well. A lot of the time, I get incredibly frustrated because I feel like neither feminine- nor masculine-of-center outfits fit my mood that day. My heart starts pounding when I can’t find my cologne or favorite boxer briefs when I’m feeling more dudely. What used to be my favorite part of getting ready for the day has now become a somewhat dreaded activity.
Am I genderqueer? Am I just having these thoughts because my hair gives me a new aesthetic? Or did I always feel this way, and since the only image I’ve ever known of myself is an uber-feminine one, my new hairstyle has allowed me to explore and become aware of these feelings? Hell, I don’t even know. My gender identity is the least of my problems right now, so for now, I’m going to conveniently store this concept in the back of my mind for later analysis. All of this is so new to me that I think I need to get used to it for a while before jumping to conclusions.
I agree with ameliamorphous’ comment that identifying as queer communicates sexual fluidity. I like to think of it as a “create-your-own-identity”- a little of this, maybe a lot of that, mix it all together, and presto! Your own definition of “queer.” I struggled for a long time before settling on this label; I identified as a lesbian for a long time because I was attracted to girls MUCH more than boys, but I could still appreciate their cuteness. Then I was introduced to non-binary gender identities, and since a disproportionately large amount of my crushes were on people who identified as such, I decided that “lesbian” was a very rigid term and embraced my queerness.
I also like how queer brings gender fluidity into the mix, whether it’s through one’s presentation or identity. As I’ve shifted to a more androgynous presentation, I’ve noticed that I’ve been eyeing up boys a lot more lately. I find this particularly interesting because when I was a super-femme, I couldn’t get enough of girls, and now that I’m more masculine-presenting, I’ve been more attracted to guys. My confusion over this observation is simply due to a lot of internalized expectations over how one should present themselves depending on which gender they are attracted to, I’ve decided. I’m just an everything bagel, through and through, although the whole gender identity thing is still “to be determined…”
I know this “comment” is incredibly long and winding, but I just have a lot of feelings and need to get them out in the open through an outlet like this. Thanks for reading, y’all.